pleasuring myself is making me question my existence

You know when you do heroin? You feel the greatest you’ve ever felt, riding this wave of euphoria into the heavens of Jesus Christ… until you sober up. Then, you’re off the stuff for a little while, vehemently wondering when you can get your next hit, feeling like you need to get back to that state. Until being sober is no longer bearable.

Take it 1000 notches lower and you’ve got you, your phone and the little highs you feel from the little joys it gives you.

You wake up, you check your phone. You take a shit, you check your phone. You’re eating breakfast, and you’re checking your phone. Before anything remotely productive get’s started, we are undeservedly pleasuring ourselves in ways that form our habits of living and thinking.

Boredom no longer exists. Now, feeling anything that isn’t synonymous to good seems like a disease. And our standard of normal is ‘looking at a screen so the pretty lights can make me feel things’. We’ve evolved from an age of fulfillment from hunting shit or consuming a fatty meal with our wisdom teeth, to a generation where the same happy chemicals can be triggered from getting a follower or reading some juicy shit off of reddit.

I once thought of myself as mentally healthy. I thought positively of myself and had a generally optimistic perspective of life (which was a feat, considering my childhood mantra at one point was ihatemylifeihatemylifeihatemylife). At the time, the problems in my life were at bay and no news continued to be good news. I remember sitting on a bus in this state of utter bliss thinking to myself: I better soak up every fucking inch of this because it’s only a matter of time before I feel the exact opposite.

And so I did.

But little did I know how much of it would be self-inflicted.

I realize how automatic it is to feel good, to experience some form of pleasure. It’s literally within arms reach at all times (yes, masturbation is almost always possible but I’m talking about phones this time). It can be a pretty toxic relationship the moment using your phone becomes far more than just a simple gadget for entertainment. Our standard of happiness gets increasingly high because we’re constantly surrounded by some form of endorphin rage fest. This is why it’s easy to spend money on things you shouldn’t be spending money on, eating more than what you intended on or wasting exuberant amounts of time scrolling through your phone. These are distractions. This instant gratification is a temporary fix that gets worst when we don’t want to address a bigger picture.

But what kills me is how our phones can make us feel even worst about ourselves. For me, I lost interest in caring about my appearance until I got sucked back into the vortex of social media. If these people get so much admiration for their clothing and their facial organs, why can’t I?, said the brain. And now, I’ve been spending money I don’t have on clothes, my Amazon wish list and chocolate because my ego is raging against me, trying to make me feel even more pleasure. But all it’s ever done is make me feel worst about my situation, because these short term money lead goals are no where near genuine fulfillment.

Comparison is a bitch, y’all. But it’s a choice. Take a moment to reflect where your negativity lies. Everyone’s just trying to be happy. So are you. Empathy. Duality. No need to feel ways when you realize that we’re all just trying to be happy. Let them do their thing. Continue doing yours. Soon enough you’ll realize how little someone else’s presence affects yours once you understand your self worth.

This is your fucking life. How much of it do you want to spend looking at your phone?  How often are you going to delude yourself into thinking you need things to be happy? When are you going to figure out that happiness is a physically impossible goal to achieve.

You realize you have a choice right? All it takes to start a change is to decide that you want it.

what are you doing with your life?

What do you want from your life?

What is your end goal?

There’s a certain respect to hold for those who are successful in whatever passion they’ve stuck with. An author celebrating their first book publishing, a business owner ordained into the Fortune 500 list or the Mom of 5 college graduated kids. Success is subjective.

Are you doing whatever it is that you are doing for the money? Are you chasing that feeling of fame and the flooding notifications? Are you trying to 1-up someone you envy? Are you trying to prove someone wrong?

We often fantasize about a life we desire, looking upon certain luxuries with a gleam in our eyes because they seem to make the people who have them happy. We compare ourselves with people who have these things and question our own self-worth. We disregard our achievements because we feel like we could be doing better. But what if we had all the money in the world? What if  we realized that the intensity of our desires to overcome someone, is just a reflection of your own internal conflict?

What are you doing with your life? What are you chasing? Because if its for the money, or the fame, or the envy you want to instill in others, then achieving your ego driven goals will be just as fleeting as your far fetched dreams.

Empty. Unfulfilling. Insatiable.

One will never be enough. You’ll keep going and going and going, until your brain hurts and you become so done with it that you’ll be just as lost as you were in the beginning. But it was easier back then, when your ego gave you the illusion of a goal.

What’s so wrong about being lost?

Being lost is so much better then being stuck. Being lost is liberation. Being lost means room to grow, to discover, to explore. Do you even realize? ..this is the fun part. Try everything under the sun. Try teaching. Try yoga. Try making music. Try singing. Try dancing. Try shooting. Try drawing. Try painting. Try cooking. Try rock climbing. Try surfing. Try learning.

The end goal is never really the end. Trust the process. Fall in love with it, so you won’t mind letting it consume you.

after smoking weed again after 5 years, I thought I was going to have a psychotic break

a journal entry, recounted.

I smoked again. July 7th, 2018. The second time since maybe 10th grade.

Marijuana has always been in my life. It was a culture first made familiar by the kids we once called popular in the 8th grade. They would sneak away to the forest at lunch while the rest of us with revel in dismay at their interest for the devil’s lettuce.

Later, I truly got a feel for what marijuana was as I got older. Soon after, I finally worked up the courage to try it. The first time was fine. 4/20 of grade 9. It was a mix up of laughs, paranoid forest adventures, and being matched up with a guy I had no interest in. The second and only other time I can really remember was the 10th grade. I had been so paranoid both times. But this second time was quite alarming. I woke up the very next day still feeling high, and, to this day, I’m not sure I’ve gotten completely over it. When I stare at people for too long, I still get this distorted “I am in a video game” feeling. After never wanting to experience this deeper, I made certain to stay away from weed (but maintaining respect for the friends that did).

Until, this past summer, where I felt this deep pull to revisit Mother Mary. It was decided. I chose to do it with a couple roommates, whom I trust so dearly. I took a couple tokes. Then, about an hour later, took a few more deep hits before entering this movie theatre.

Big mistake.

My body started to feel really heavy. My head felt the onset of a migraine. And what felt like an opportunity to explore something different, was everything I feared the most coming to life.

We stood in this theatre together.  A conversation with my roommate slowly swerved itself into a morbid fantasy. He turned into an exact replica of himself in miniature finger puppet form brought right up to my eye.

It was essentially a K-hole. “…your awareness of the world around you, and your control over your own body, become so profoundly impaired that you’re temporarily unable to interact with others—or the world around you.”

Living with depersonalization/derealization disorder, makes this feeling of dissociation constant. Having DP/DR has become second nature to me. So much so that I don’t even know if I do or don’t have it anymore. Reality and this dreamlike state have essentially mixed themselves together. But to experience a medicine that makes these disorders so much more potent to these senses, made me feel as though I was being brought to a complete state of psychosis.

We finally sat down and I couldn’t help but grow more worried about these sensations arising so strongly again. As the previews flashed on, someone handed me a pair of 3D glasses, to which I immediately thought “Are you fucking kidding me?”. Do you really think this is a good idea? I’m already pretty fucked up, man.

But I still gave it a go. YOLO.

I threw them on, and to my absolute surprise, the distortion of the glasses made my state of demise so much more bearable. I was distracted. But the thoughts still overwhelmed me.

  1. What if this is forever?
  2. I might have a psychotic break in this theatre. They’ll have to call the police.
  3. This is suffering that I’m willing to die to break free from.
  4. Nobody will ever be able to understand what I’m experiencing.

A part of the movie mentioned Quantum reality, a place somewhat like space, where this character ends up being trapped, alone, floating endlessly.

That fucked me up to the ends of the earth. To be endlessly floating, with nothing to do, and no one to interact with. That’s what it felt like being so high.

The thoughts just turned into more thought. Until, I fell asleep halfway through. Thank God and all the heavens.

I woke up the next day sober. Thankful. Having grown from something so intense. I probably made that night worst because of the paranoia. But I’ve learned.

B R E A T H E.

F E E L.

A C C E P T.

A P P R E C I A T E.

The mind is a wonderful slave, but a terrible master.

Life isn’t completely pain. The pain is just a symptom of really living. Life works and grows through polarity. The mind works in wondrous ways. Especially your own. Learn to take pride in your growth and your willingness to improve, the simplicity to enjoy your surroundings, patiently so. As this perseverance has and will manifest the space you live in, the friends you have and the lifestyle you live.

Every side of you helps and contributes in some way. We are not enemies to ourselves. We are team mates.

You can see things for face value. True black. True white. Don’t sweat the small things. It’s not worth it in the long run. Life will continue in the same way it always has, how it always will. We are an incredibly adaptive community. We persevere through the hardships. But understand and learn to appreciate what you have, constantly. If dying is a phenomenon that we will all face, why waste time stressing about shit that doesn’t matter. Everything is just a matter of time.

Everything is temporary.

solo travel is fucking hard

This is the shit nobody tells you about.

It takes hours of research figuring out where to go and how to get there, times that you want nothing more than to see a familiar face, and others in which you need to be alone. You will get tired. You will get diarrhea. But most of all, you will learn so many lessons.

I thought it was just a series of unfortunate events that have made this second solo journey not the life changing, friendship frenzy, greatest time of my life (from dealing with a fever, getting into a motorbiking accident, staying inside a room for 2 weeks recovering to being abandoned). I’ve come to realize that what makes any experience worthwhile are the connections you make with other people. ‘People make the trip’. It’s been such a gamble, that my only hope was to be able to run into someone that, even for just a moment, understood my humour.

Fortunately, I faced my luck of the draw, running into a group of girls I ended up re-meeting in another country. I spent my best days and nights in South East Asia with them. But, as soon as we said our goodbyes, it was back to square one.

I’ve definitely fast tracked a lot of life lessons in this one month. Lessons that I wouldn’t easily find else where. I’ve acknowledged that being alone in such a foreign place can give you a lot of practice in self-growth. But I know now, the next time I travel, I’ll require a lot more structure. Be it a tour group or a group of friends, taking on the world is much easier with good company by your side. But this is just my personal experience.

In many ways, we work like machines. But what separates us from the masses is our individuality. Our interests and disinterests. Every city or country will have a different review based on someone’s experiences and likes. It’s silly to assume that specific trips or experiences are necessary in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. If Judy is completely content staying in her studio apartment in a little village, let her do her duty. It’s the moment one is introduced to a world of expectation that they’ll daydream about the busy streets of New York. A picture painted by a movie or book. You shouldn’t expect to fall in love the way Rosalie did in some storybook. Or mull over the hoards of gorgeous photos travel influencers take. Don’t assume that New York will change your life because it did that to your friend’s aunt’s cousin’s step sister. We are human. We experience differently.

Follow your instincts. Get to know yourself to a point where you know what does and doesn’t feel right for you. Be aware that the world is trying to make money, often off of you. You will be made to feel like you’re not good enough. But we are all living the same dream. We are a reflection of each other. It’s different for everybody, but all we want is to be happy. It takes growth within to accept the grim. But what’s good and bad is just an idea you’ve built up in your head.

Solo travel.. or don’t. Do whatever feels right for you (the way you should live your life anyways).

what gives your life purpose?

*why are you alive?

What gives your life purpose? We give and create to receive this feeling. Fulfillment is one of life’s greatest endeavours.

The world requires innovation. Everything holds a purpose. If we sat around doing absolutely nothing (especially to distract ourselves), alone with our thoughts, it’s only a matter of time before we’d go crazy.

I was told about the human instinct to contribute to your community. It’s like being a knitter in a town that lacks knit garments. You do something you love while providing for people’s needs. People love your shit and you love the shit you shit. You look forward to work and feel this motivation and fulfillment to continue. Boom. People need you. Your sense of belonging and inclusivity is solidified. You feel more secure than ever.

In contrast, if you were exiled from society, you’d be alone… and probably dead. Truly.. picture yourself alone with no help from anybody. No human contact, no division of labour, no help or hope. Do you think you could survive?

Without this incessant need to contribute, the world would never change.

Nowadays, money means life. It means education, security, food on the table, happiness and fulfillment. Right? There’s this ideology that money is everything. The way of life and our motivation. Now, the mark of fulfillment is no longer doing something you enjoy but a number in your bank account. And the things that drive us forward are essentially numbers that we’ll never truly be happy about.

We all just want to feel like we’re doing something important, something rewarding.

That’s why some people are so eager to volunteer in Third World countries, donate to charity or feed the homeless. Laborious effort is doing something.

Especially for those that feel this pull towards being a parent. Raising the next generation feels like their calling. (Which may be a contributing factor to empty nest syndrome).

Now, when you’re on your ass, feeling mildly intense anxiety about life, watching your 5th vine compilation in a row, maybe it’s this lack of contribution or these constant comparisons that create this looming effect of conscious guilt.

It’s one thing to become a doctor for the pay and another to want to help people. Will this fulfill you now? Or forever?

Try new shit. Try shit that scares you. Get out of your comfort zone. Make it awkward. Get uncomfortable. Embarrass yourself. If you experience even just an inkling of interest towards something, explore it. Money is insatiable. You’ll always want more. It can sustain you physically. But what will drive you mentally? Nobody, no friend, child, family, teacher, lover, parent or boss will ever give you what you want. Look internally because approval and money will never be enough.



the one skill that will redefine your life

…is radical acceptance.

Accept the things you can’t control. The only thing you can try to change is yourself.

What do you want out of life? Why do you want that? Who do you want in your life? Why do you want them? There seems to be this great misunderstanding that to be happy, we must look outside of ourselves to get there. But through constantly looking for it, we’ll never reach that point.

I’ve thought about hurting myself. I’ve worried about what other people thought of me. I’ve lived in fear and trauma over the people in my life. I’ve sat in deep contemplation about my future and felt the lowest of lows from experiences that are over to ones I won’t even be able to have. I still do some of these things to this day. But what changes how I feel is the extent of acknowledgement knowing that it doesn’t truly effect me. Every insight outside of myself has either been a deterrent or attribution to my own self-worth. But through this continuing journey of self-actualization, I’ve realized (acknowledging how cliche this sounds) that it starts with me.

To begin, I really value advice and perspective from the people in my life. But in retrospect, someone else’s opinion won’t always necessarily be true for you. It may seem right and good (especially if you respect this person), but there really is no right or wrong. Perception will differ greatly from person to person.

Life needs radical acceptance. We must accept what makes us different. What makes your room mate angry, what disappoints your parents, what you dislike about your partner, what causes you physical or emotional pain, who can’t be in your life, what you can’t have and what you can’t change.

Life warrants radical acceptance. To focus more on the gratitude in living a peaceful life. In being able to sleep in your own bed and choose what makes you laugh, or being able to afford the little comforts of life to experiencing something that makes you smile even just for a moment.

If rejection makes us feel the most disillusioned and lost in life, than to accept this truth is to live. No more fear of the unknown, despite the mild stress that sometimes pushes us for more (for example sake, without feeling anxious, I wouldn’t always have something to write about.. and writing is one of the most fulfilling things I do). We must continue learning to accept these truths.

… because happiness involves radical acceptance.

love can be just as addictive as opiates

Obsession. Restlessness. Eagerness. Disappointment. Melancholy. The many symptoms of withdrawal when you’re caught up in someone and the love you’re so addicted to.

Whenever I was romantically involved in someone, they became my world. I would want to know what they were up to at all times, what they were thinking to what they had for breakfast and lunch. The end of every goodbye would require a “when will I be seeing you again”. I expected constant communication and had my phone glued to my hand. Even the buzz of my phone made my heart race. My world was no longer my world, it became an observation of someone else’s.

I would say and do things to try to make this other person want me more. Every moment we weren’t talking felt like time wasted for us to be together. So, my mood was constantly dependant on this other person. When they would take ages to respond, I would suddenly be caught in a hole of “What the fuck did I do to deserve this?” to “It’s fricken over. How could they treat me this way. They don’t deserve me.” Until they finally messaged me, then everything in the world would be okay again. Where did this scrutiny derive from?

I was 17 when I had my first mutually romantic partnership. It wasn’t a relationship by any means. It was a fling. We would say and do all these corny ass things because I wanted it to be just like the movies. He complied, somewhat reciprocated… and ate that shit up like an activist ending his hunger strike at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I grew conditioned to the belief that all of that romantic dramatic bullshit was the hallmark of a great relationship. I was so hooked to that feeling of being admired and lusted after that I tried so hard to mimic that same feeling for years.

After going through some pretty unfulfilling relationships and finally questioning my emotional state after being with someone lost in their own world, I came to my senses.

I was being an irrational cactus. Thriving off dependency, desperately clinging onto affection, causing discomfort as I squeezed my lovers into my thorns. My thirst was quenched by compliments and approval.. and I would replay the shit they would say in my head like a cactus rationing water. It was what got me through the day and made the high of love stay consistent.

Romantic movies are nice. But I don’t see myself deliberately wanting to watch them. It seems so far fetched now. I grew up falling in love time and time again because of these movies. Now, you know when you’re watching a really sad movie and it makes you cry? Then when something shitty happens in your life that causes deep emotional pain, do you ever feel the need to say “it’s just like the movies!” No? Well, I’m sure you hear this phrase tossed around constantly with new couples talking about love. Movies are the easiest realm into empathy. We put ourselves in the shoes of the lead character as we enter their world. Now, when it comes to being in love, movie magic is just an illusion, invoking feelings that would naturally occur inside of you already. So, there is no need in trying to mimic the movies. You’ll fall in love eventually, in the same way the movies would.

It’s hard reprogramming your beliefs when you’ve lived a certain way for so long, but being uncomfortable warrants change. I understand now that I craved romantic relationships for the high of approval and affection, something I feel like I’ve lacked growing up. I know that one day, I will no longer think this way if I continue to deal with (accept and not give into) the nagging impulses to check my phone. I will watch as my mind yearns to hear them speak, understanding where that desire stems from (a hope of them telling me how amazing I am). I am my own person, and they belong to themselves. Through any amount of time or distance, a real connection will remain tethered and untouched. My barbaric desires hold no real purpose other than wanting to feel high off of affection.

You’re an absolute marvel. You don’t need someone else to be your other half when you’re already whole.

one night stands fuck me up (literally and figuratively)

*This is how I feel about one night stands. You may feel different.. or the same. Either way, who cares.

As I roll over in bed.. disgruntled.. feeling empty, I lose the part of myself that was once very desperate for the sweet relief. The once built up tension, replaced with yearning.. and hollowness. This anger for losing self control. For giving over to pleasure. It was routinely my goal to seek a partner for the night.. to allow someone to enter me as my personal toy. We would use each other.. and play the lover’s game, but only for pretend. Making it simply a tease for the senses. My emotional state, shaken.. by the discontinuation. Longing for this feeling..  of love, approval and acceptance.. to only experiencing the shallowness of it all for a few hours… until it was over. Then, just like that, my use would no longer be needed. My value, paired with the bounty. The prize to be your toy. And now I was out again, another place.. begging the night for more.

I am nothing more to you than just pleasurable relief. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be on to the next one.

I want the conversations, the late night chats, the falling asleep hours into the night, the staring and desire for more. The knowledge of another night.. of continuation. To know that our pleasure is invested into greater insight. Of knowing someones body and having them know mine. The prospect of climax… with someone I actually love.

Sex in love is different.

Now, as I stand, staring into the eyes of another man wanting to fuck me.. after a night filled with free drinks and grabby hands.. I agree to spend the night. We find the nearest bed fit for our needs and all we’re doing is searching for release. There is no talking. No interest. No real need to know one another. There is no caressing, no genuine love.. no trailing of fingers in places that would make us both shiver.. just, mechanical routine. The same thing we’ve always done, just another body. Just another place.

When I look into their eyes, I see lust.. I see attraction.. nothing more. I see someone trying to forget the world in my body. Acting emotionlessly, mindlessly thrusting.

I have never had sex in love.

But I imagine it to be so much better. More connected. More real. Not like the routine of loving myself… with someone else’s body.

I’m certain one day I’ll find out. There is no right or wrong when it comes to one night stands.. I regret none of the experiences that came along with them. But I’m just peachy fine waiting for more.

the moment my life changed forever

*The story of what lead me to me. When I discovered the clarity and acknowledgement of forces beyond my nature, that life is life. Outside of my own head, there are matters beyond my control. Matters that I have finally accepted with non-judgemental awareness and gratitude. Matters that go beyond the feelings I feel in this moment. It’s looking at the sky and realizing that there are planets and stars millions of times larger than us. We are simply a speck on a cog in teeny section of a much bigger machine. It’s the realization that the petty problems we overthink truly don’t matter.

Positivity has always been second nature to me. I’d be the person to challenge all your negative jargon with a brighter side. “My wallet got stolen” “Well, you’ll probably save some money because you can’t use anything now”. “I lost my phone” “Well, now you’ll be forced to live in the moment”. “I’m sick” “Well, at least you can relax at home”. It’s always about perspective. The things that we go through can mature us and give us more understanding. You are who you are because of what you’ve been through. You can gain empathy, compassion, mindfulness and gratitude because of your traumas.

Flash forward a few years, solidifying this mentality of altruism, empathy and thirst for knowledge, I always felt like there was so much more to it. So much more to life than overthinking about the same bullshit or just being a pawn in the game of life. There was more that I was destined for. So, I carried on with life.. until one day, I came across Leo.

If you’re tired of sitting around with yourself, overthinking about everything you’ve ever said to your friends and family, tired of stressing out about work, school and money, tired of growing more addicted to your phone and computer because it helps you escape your own thoughts, tired of living in fear of rejection and tired of living with discontentment about your life. Take a moment to watch this.

This video changed my fokin life.

A part of me always felt this way. So, to have someone finally put it into words, my mind was fucked. Leo blew me out of the water. Self-actualization. The tip top of the hierarchy of needs. The pure truth of what it means to be human. The realization that beyond establishing all of our basic needs, we have a higher purpose. We, in ourselves, are all we ever really need. There is contentment beyond the bullshit we’ve been fed our entire lives. Everything outside of ourselves isn’t an attribution to our overall happiness. You are, bitch. You are to yourself. It’s fucking possible today. It’s fucking possible right now. That’s why I find it difficult watching others getting carried away with trying to look or feel a certain way, comparing ourselves to other people, wasting away hours of life to become richer, attempting to look a certain way to obtain love and approval and turning on each other to feel accepted. Life is so much more than your hourly wage. It’s so much more than that new toy you’re saving up for or your moms approval. Once you begin to live life acknowledging all of this and working towards truly loving the process of becoming you, you can live a full life and be content with dying tomorrow.

There really is no destination to life. The entire ride is the journey.

if we were birds, do you think we’d dream about walking on land?

*There is desire in comparison. If you continue to dream and fantasize through mental movies, there will always be this insatiable desire for more.

I’m sure if we were birds, we wouldn’t think at all. We would relish in the moment. The pure freedom in flying and seeing sights mankind has only ever recently achieved. But, we compare ourselves to the fraction of those living a different lifestyle and assume we’ve got it bad.

As much as negativity can be found in everything, the same magnitude of gratitude can be uncovered as well. The homeless man can be thankful to survive another day. The addict can be thankful for their access to drinking water and the prisoner can be thankful for their good health. It’s through wanting more that we get jaded by our insufficiencies.

We dream of flying away and exploring the world, of seeing something different and extraordinary, of being in love and having cutesy moments with hot people. But why does that shit really matter? Are we so discontent with what we have that we want more? And if that’s the case, what made you believe that to be true? Again, life is all about perspective. How different would our lives be if we all remained present. To enjoy life as it comes. Not having to do this as a means to an end. Working because we actually love what we do or spending time like nothing exists beyond this moment. There really is no past. There really is no future. We made it all up.

time doesn't exist clocks exist tumblr

How little do people know.. that this is possible. That this mindset is achievable. That no matter what could be happening in the world, you can be at peace with yourself. Getting there is pretty simple but slightly hard to carry through. It’s just a matter of time. But it get’s easier each and every time.

  • Turn dreaming into doing.
  • Turn comparing into appreciating.
  • Turn judgement into awareness.
  • Turn hatred into understanding.
  • Turn secrecy into honesty.
  • Turn overthinking into staying present.
  • Turn solitude into meditation.
  • Turn scrolling into reading.

Practise makes better. Master your life and it will change for the better. I mean, what else are you going to do with your life? Overthink prolly. Just do it, man. Do it for you.