after smoking weed again after 5 years, I thought I was going to have a psychotic break

a journal entry, recounted.

I smoked again. July 7th, 2018. The second time since maybe 10th grade.

Marijuana has always been in my life. It was a culture first made familiar by the kids we once called popular in the 8th grade. They would sneak away to the forest at lunch while the rest of us with revel in dismay at their interest for the devil’s lettuce.

Later, I truly got a feel for what marijuana was as I got older. Soon after, I finally worked up the courage to try it. The first time was fine. 4/20 of grade 9. It was a mix up of laughs, paranoid forest adventures, and being matched up with a guy I had no interest in. The second and only other time I can really remember was the 10th grade. I had been so paranoid both times. But this second time was quite alarming. I woke up the very next day still feeling high, and, to this day, I’m not sure I’ve gotten completely over it. When I stare at people for too long, I still get this distorted “I am in a video game” feeling. After never wanting to experience this deeper, I made certain to stay away from weed (but maintaining respect for the friends that did).

Until, this past summer, where I felt this deep pull to revisit Mother Mary. It was decided. I chose to do it with a couple roommates, whom I trust so dearly. I took a couple tokes. Then, about an hour later, took a few more deep hits before entering this movie theatre.

Big mistake.

My body started to feel really heavy. My head felt the onset of a migraine. And what felt like an opportunity to explore something different, was everything I feared the most coming to life.

We stood in this theatre together.  A conversation with my roommate slowly swerved itself into a morbid fantasy. He turned into an exact replica of himself in miniature finger puppet form brought right up to my eye.

It was essentially a K-hole. “…your awareness of the world around you, and your control over your own body, become so profoundly impaired that you’re temporarily unable to interact with others—or the world around you.”

Living with depersonalization/derealization disorder, makes this feeling of dissociation constant. Having DP/DR has become second nature to me. So much so that I don’t even know if I do or don’t have it anymore. Reality and this dreamlike state have essentially mixed themselves together. But to experience a medicine that makes these disorders so much more potent to these senses, made me feel as though I was being brought to a complete state of psychosis.

We finally sat down and I couldn’t help but grow more worried about these sensations arising so strongly again. As the previews flashed on, someone handed me a pair of 3D glasses, to which I immediately thought “Are you fucking kidding me?”. Do you really think this is a good idea? I’m already pretty fucked up, man.

But I still gave it a go. YOLO.

I threw them on, and to my absolute surprise, the distortion of the glasses made my state of demise so much more bearable. I was distracted. But the thoughts still overwhelmed me.

  1. What if this is forever?
  2. I might have a psychotic break in this theatre. They’ll have to call the police.
  3. This is suffering that I’m willing to die to break free from.
  4. Nobody will ever be able to understand what I’m experiencing.

A part of the movie mentioned Quantum reality, a place somewhat like space, where this character ends up being trapped, alone, floating endlessly.

That fucked me up to the ends of the earth. To be endlessly floating, with nothing to do, and no one to interact with. That’s what it felt like being so high.

The thoughts just turned into more thought. Until, I fell asleep halfway through. Thank God and all the heavens.

I woke up the next day sober. Thankful. Having grown from something so intense. I probably made that night worst because of the paranoia. But I’ve learned.

B R E A T H E.

F E E L.

A C C E P T.

A P P R E C I A T E.

The mind is a wonderful slave, but a terrible master.

Life isn’t completely pain. The pain is just a symptom of really living. Life works and grows through polarity. The mind works in wondrous ways. Especially your own. Learn to take pride in your growth and your willingness to improve, the simplicity to enjoy your surroundings, patiently so. As this perseverance has and will manifest the space you live in, the friends you have and the lifestyle you live.

Every side of you helps and contributes in some way. We are not enemies to ourselves. We are team mates.

You can see things for face value. True black. True white. Don’t sweat the small things. It’s not worth it in the long run. Life will continue in the same way it always has, how it always will. We are an incredibly adaptive community. We persevere through the hardships. But understand and learn to appreciate what you have, constantly. If dying is a phenomenon that we will all face, why waste time stressing about shit that doesn’t matter. Everything is just a matter of time.

Everything is temporary.

solo travel is fucking hard

This is the shit nobody tells you about.

It takes hours of research figuring out where to go and how to get there, times that you want nothing more than to see a familiar face, and others in which you need to be alone. You will get tired. You will get diarrhea. But most of all, you will learn so many lessons.

I thought it was just a series of unfortunate events that have made this second solo journey not the life changing, friendship frenzy, greatest time of my life (from dealing with a fever, getting into a motorbiking accident, staying inside a room for 2 weeks recovering to being abandoned). I’ve come to realize that what makes any experience worthwhile are the connections you make with other people. ‘People make the trip’. It’s been such a gamble, that my only hope was to be able to run into someone that, even for just a moment, understood my humour.

Fortunately, I faced my luck of the draw, running into a group of girls I ended up re-meeting in another country. I spent my best days and nights in South East Asia with them. But, as soon as we said our goodbyes, it was back to square one.

I’ve definitely fast tracked a lot of life lessons in this one month. Lessons that I wouldn’t easily find else where. I’ve acknowledged that being alone in such a foreign place can give you a lot of practice in self-growth. But I know now, the next time I travel, I’ll require a lot more structure. Be it a tour group or a group of friends, taking on the world is much easier with good company by your side. But this is just my personal experience.

In many ways, we work like machines. But what separates us from the masses is our individuality. Our interests and disinterests. Every city or country will have a different review based on someone’s experiences and likes. It’s silly to assume that specific trips or experiences are necessary in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. If Judy is completely content staying in her studio apartment in a little village, let her do her duty. It’s the moment one is introduced to a world of expectation that they’ll daydream about the busy streets of New York. A picture painted by a movie or book. You shouldn’t expect to fall in love the way Rosalie did in some storybook. Or mull over the hoards of gorgeous photos travel influencers take. Don’t assume that New York will change your life because it did that to your friend’s aunt’s cousin’s step sister. We are human. We experience differently.

Follow your instincts. Get to know yourself to a point where you know what does and doesn’t feel right for you. Be aware that the world is trying to make money, often off of you. You will be made to feel like you’re not good enough. But we are all living the same dream. We are a reflection of each other. It’s different for everybody, but all we want is to be happy. It takes growth within to accept the grim. But what’s good and bad is just an idea you’ve built up in your head.

Solo travel.. or don’t. Do whatever feels right for you (the way you should live your life anyways).

what gives your life purpose?

*why are you alive?

What gives your life purpose? We give and create to receive this feeling. Fulfillment is one of life’s greatest endeavours.

The world requires innovation. Everything holds a purpose. If we sat around doing absolutely nothing (especially to distract ourselves), alone with our thoughts, it’s only a matter of time before we’d go crazy.

I was told about the human instinct to contribute to your community. It’s like being a knitter in a town that lacks knit garments. You do something you love while providing for people’s needs. People love your shit and you love the shit you shit. You look forward to work and feel this motivation and fulfillment to continue. Boom. People need you. Your sense of belonging and inclusivity is solidified. You feel more secure than ever.

In contrast, if you were exiled from society, you’d be alone… and probably dead. Truly.. picture yourself alone with no help from anybody. No human contact, no division of labour, no help or hope. Do you think you could survive?

Without this incessant need to contribute, the world would never change.

Nowadays, money means life. It means education, security, food on the table, happiness and fulfillment. Right? There’s this ideology that money is everything. The way of life and our motivation. Now, the mark of fulfillment is no longer doing something you enjoy but a number in your bank account. And the things that drive us forward are essentially numbers that we’ll never truly be happy about.

We all just want to feel like we’re doing something important, something rewarding.

That’s why some people are so eager to volunteer in Third World countries, donate to charity or feed the homeless. Laborious effort is doing something.

Especially for those that feel this pull towards being a parent. Raising the next generation feels like their calling. (Which may be a contributing factor to empty nest syndrome).

Now, when you’re on your ass, feeling mildly intense anxiety about life, watching your 5th vine compilation in a row, maybe it’s this lack of contribution or these constant comparisons that create this looming effect of conscious guilt.

It’s one thing to become a doctor for the pay and another to want to help people. Will this fulfill you now? Or forever?

Try new shit. Try shit that scares you. Get out of your comfort zone. Make it awkward. Get uncomfortable. Embarrass yourself. If you experience even just an inkling of interest towards something, explore it. Money is insatiable. You’ll always want more. It can sustain you physically. But what will drive you mentally? Nobody, no friend, child, family, teacher, lover, parent or boss will ever give you what you want. Look internally because approval and money will never be enough.

 

 

the one skill that will redefine your life

…is radical acceptance.

Accept the things you can’t control. The only thing you can try to change is yourself.

What do you want out of life? Why do you want that? Who do you want in your life? Why do you want them? There seems to be this great misunderstanding that to be happy, we must look outside of ourselves to get there. But through constantly looking for it, we’ll never reach that point.

I’ve thought about hurting myself. I’ve worried about what other people thought of me. I’ve lived in fear and trauma over the people in my life. I’ve sat in deep contemplation about my future and felt the lowest of lows from experiences that are over to ones I won’t even be able to have. I still do some of these things to this day. But what changes how I feel is the extent of acknowledgement knowing that it doesn’t truly effect me. Every insight outside of myself has either been a deterrent or attribution to my own self-worth. But through this continuing journey of self-actualization, I’ve realized (acknowledging how cliche this sounds) that it starts with me.

To begin, I really value advice and perspective from the people in my life. But in retrospect, someone else’s opinion won’t always necessarily be true for you. It may seem right and good (especially if you respect this person), but there really is no right or wrong. Perception will differ greatly from person to person.

Life needs radical acceptance. We must accept what makes us different. What makes your room mate angry, what disappoints your parents, what you dislike about your partner, what causes you physical or emotional pain, who can’t be in your life, what you can’t have and what you can’t change.

Life warrants radical acceptance. To focus more on the gratitude in living a peaceful life. In being able to sleep in your own bed and choose what makes you laugh, or being able to afford the little comforts of life to experiencing something that makes you smile even just for a moment.

If rejection makes us feel the most disillusioned and lost in life, than to accept this truth is to live. No more fear of the unknown, despite the mild stress that sometimes pushes us for more (for example sake, without feeling anxious, I wouldn’t always have something to write about.. and writing is one of the most fulfilling things I do). We must continue learning to accept these truths.

… because happiness involves radical acceptance.

love can be just as addictive as opiates

Obsession. Restlessness. Eagerness. Disappointment. Melancholy. The many symptoms of withdrawal when you’re caught up in someone and the love you’re so addicted to.

Whenever I was romantically involved in someone, they became my world. I would want to know what they were up to at all times, what they were thinking to what they had for breakfast and lunch. The end of every goodbye would require a “when will I be seeing you again”. I expected constant communication and had my phone glued to my hand. Even the buzz of my phone made my heart race. My world was no longer my world, it became an observation of someone else’s.

I would say and do things to try to make this other person want me more. Every moment we weren’t talking felt like time wasted for us to be together. So, my mood was constantly dependant on this other person. When they would take ages to respond, I would suddenly be caught in a hole of “What the fuck did I do to deserve this?” to “It’s fricken over. How could they treat me this way. They don’t deserve me.” Until they finally messaged me, then everything in the world would be okay again. Where did this scrutiny derive from?

I was 17 when I had my first mutually romantic partnership. It wasn’t a relationship by any means. It was a fling. We would say and do all these corny ass things because I wanted it to be just like the movies. He complied, somewhat reciprocated… and ate that shit up like an activist ending his hunger strike at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I grew conditioned to the belief that all of that romantic dramatic bullshit was the hallmark of a great relationship. I was so hooked to that feeling of being admired and lusted after that I tried so hard to mimic that same feeling for years.

After going through some pretty unfulfilling relationships and finally questioning my emotional state after being with someone lost in their own world, I came to my senses.

I was being an irrational cactus. Thriving off dependency, desperately clinging onto affection, causing discomfort as I squeezed my lovers into my thorns. My thirst was quenched by compliments and approval.. and I would replay the shit they would say in my head like a cactus rationing water. It was what got me through the day and made the high of love stay consistent.

Romantic movies are nice. But I don’t see myself deliberately wanting to watch them. It seems so far fetched now. I grew up falling in love time and time again because of these movies. Now, you know when you’re watching a really sad movie and it makes you cry? Then when something shitty happens in your life that causes deep emotional pain, do you ever feel the need to say “it’s just like the movies!” No? Well, I’m sure you hear this phrase tossed around constantly with new couples talking about love. Movies are the easiest realm into empathy. We put ourselves in the shoes of the lead character as we enter their world. Now, when it comes to being in love, movie magic is just an illusion, invoking feelings that would naturally occur inside of you already. So, there is no need in trying to mimic the movies. You’ll fall in love eventually, in the same way the movies would.

It’s hard reprogramming your beliefs when you’ve lived a certain way for so long, but being uncomfortable warrants change. I understand now that I craved romantic relationships for the high of approval and affection, something I feel like I’ve lacked growing up. I know that one day, I will no longer think this way if I continue to deal with (accept and not give into) the nagging impulses to check my phone. I will watch as my mind yearns to hear them speak, understanding where that desire stems from (a hope of them telling me how amazing I am). I am my own person, and they belong to themselves. Through any amount of time or distance, a real connection will remain tethered and untouched. My barbaric desires hold no real purpose other than wanting to feel high off of affection.

You’re an absolute marvel. You don’t need someone else to be your other half when you’re already whole.

one night stands fuck me up (literally and figuratively)

*This is how I feel about one night stands. You may feel different.. or the same. Either way, who cares.

As I roll over in bed.. disgruntled.. feeling empty, I lose the part of myself that was once very desperate for the sweet relief. The once built up tension, replaced with yearning.. and hollowness. This anger for losing self control. For giving over to pleasure. It was routinely my goal to seek a partner for the night.. to allow someone to enter me as my personal toy. We would use each other.. and play the lover’s game, but only for pretend. Making it simply a tease for the senses. My emotional state, shaken.. by the discontinuation. Longing for this feeling..  of love, approval and acceptance.. to only experiencing the shallowness of it all for a few hours… until it was over. Then, just like that, my use would no longer be needed. My value, paired with the bounty. The prize to be your toy. And now I was out again, another place.. begging the night for more.

I am nothing more to you than just pleasurable relief. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be on to the next one.

I want the conversations, the late night chats, the falling asleep hours into the night, the staring and desire for more. The knowledge of another night.. of continuation. To know that our pleasure is invested into greater insight. Of knowing someones body and having them know mine. The prospect of climax… with someone I actually love.

Sex in love is different.

Now, as I stand, staring into the eyes of another man wanting to fuck me.. after a night filled with free drinks and grabby hands.. I agree to spend the night. We find the nearest bed fit for our needs and all we’re doing is searching for release. There is no talking. No interest. No real need to know one another. There is no caressing, no genuine love.. no trailing of fingers in places that would make us both shiver.. just, mechanical routine. The same thing we’ve always done, just another body. Just another place.

When I look into their eyes, I see lust.. I see attraction.. nothing more. I see someone trying to forget the world in my body. Acting emotionlessly, mindlessly thrusting.

I have never had sex in love.

But I imagine it to be so much better. More connected. More real. Not like the routine of loving myself… with someone else’s body.

I’m certain one day I’ll find out. There is no right or wrong when it comes to one night stands.. I regret none of the experiences that came along with them. But I’m just peachy fine waiting for more.

the moment my life changed forever

*The story of what lead me to me. When I discovered the clarity and acknowledgement of forces beyond my nature, that life is life. Outside of my own head, there are matters beyond my control. Matters that I have finally accepted with non-judgemental awareness and gratitude. Matters that go beyond the feelings I feel in this moment. It’s looking at the sky and realizing that there are planets and stars millions of times larger than us. We are simply a speck on a cog in teeny section of a much bigger machine. It’s the realization that the petty problems we overthink truly don’t matter.

Positivity has always been second nature to me. I’d be the person to challenge all your negative jargon with a brighter side. “My wallet got stolen” “Well, you’ll probably save some money because you can’t use anything now”. “I lost my phone” “Well, now you’ll be forced to live in the moment”. “I’m sick” “Well, at least you can relax at home”. It’s always about perspective. The things that we go through can mature us and give us more understanding. You are who you are because of what you’ve been through. You can gain empathy, compassion, mindfulness and gratitude because of your traumas.

Flash forward a few years, solidifying this mentality of altruism, empathy and thirst for knowledge, I always felt like there was so much more to it. So much more to life than overthinking about the same bullshit or just being a pawn in the game of life. There was more that I was destined for. So, I carried on with life.. until one day, I came across Leo.

If you’re tired of sitting around with yourself, overthinking about everything you’ve ever said to your friends and family, tired of stressing out about work, school and money, tired of growing more addicted to your phone and computer because it helps you escape your own thoughts, tired of living in fear of rejection and tired of living with discontentment about your life. Take a moment to watch this.

This video changed my fokin life.

A part of me always felt this way. So, to have someone finally put it into words, my mind was fucked. Leo blew me out of the water. Self-actualization. The tip top of the hierarchy of needs. The pure truth of what it means to be human. The realization that beyond establishing all of our basic needs, we have a higher purpose. We, in ourselves, are all we ever really need. There is contentment beyond the bullshit we’ve been fed our entire lives. Everything outside of ourselves isn’t an attribution to our overall happiness. You are, bitch. You are to yourself. It’s fucking possible today. It’s fucking possible right now. That’s why I find it difficult watching others getting carried away with trying to look or feel a certain way, comparing ourselves to other people, wasting away hours of life to become richer, attempting to look a certain way to obtain love and approval and turning on each other to feel accepted. Life is so much more than your hourly wage. It’s so much more than that new toy you’re saving up for or your moms approval. Once you begin to live life acknowledging all of this and working towards truly loving the process of becoming you, you can live a full life and be content with dying tomorrow.

There really is no destination to life. The entire ride is the journey.

if we were birds, do you think we’d dream about walking on land?

*There is desire in comparison. If you continue to dream and fantasize through mental movies, there will always be this insatiable desire for more.

I’m sure if we were birds, we wouldn’t think at all. We would relish in the moment. The pure freedom in flying and seeing sights mankind has only ever recently achieved. But, we compare ourselves to the fraction of those living a different lifestyle and assume we’ve got it bad.

As much as negativity can be found in everything, the same magnitude of gratitude can be uncovered as well. The homeless man can be thankful to survive another day. The addict can be thankful for their access to drinking water and the prisoner can be thankful for their good health. It’s through wanting more that we get jaded by our insufficiencies.

We dream of flying away and exploring the world, of seeing something different and extraordinary, of being in love and having cutesy moments with hot people. But why does that shit really matter? Are we so discontent with what we have that we want more? And if that’s the case, what made you believe that to be true? Again, life is all about perspective. How different would our lives be if we all remained present. To enjoy life as it comes. Not having to do this as a means to an end. Working because we actually love what we do or spending time like nothing exists beyond this moment. There really is no past. There really is no future. We made it all up.

time doesn't exist clocks exist tumblr

How little do people know.. that this is possible. That this mindset is achievable. That no matter what could be happening in the world, you can be at peace with yourself. Getting there is pretty simple but slightly hard to carry through. It’s just a matter of time. But it get’s easier each and every time.

  • Turn dreaming into doing.
  • Turn comparing into appreciating.
  • Turn judgement into awareness.
  • Turn hatred into understanding.
  • Turn secrecy into honesty.
  • Turn overthinking into staying present.
  • Turn solitude into meditation.
  • Turn scrolling into reading.

Practise makes better. Master your life and it will change for the better. I mean, what else are you going to do with your life? Overthink prolly. Just do it, man. Do it for you.

how to end your internal suffering

*An easy guide to understanding how to end all suffering through the power of non-judgemental awareness. 

1

This is part five.

NON-JUDGEMENTAL AWARENESS

It may seem as if the whole world is against you. I used to add the little things up and I tell myself that “I hate my life” everyday. But you aren’t necessarily a victim of your circumstances.. you are a victim to your mind.

“Nothing is good nor bad, but thinking makes it so” – Shakespeare

I used to be in this anxiety group every Wednesday in my high school. At this point, I didn’t know anything about anxiety. I just knew that when I cried or got overwhelmed, my legs and hands would go completely numb. I’d hyperventilate and I had no idea why. Sabrina (our amazing psychologist) would make us practise this technique every session. We would grab an object, look at our hands or eat a piece of candy and describe this thing in great detail non-judgementally. …every curve, every flavour, every note with each of our senses. It seemed boring at first.. I had no idea why we were doing this. But this simple task was actually making us stay completely present. As we described these things, there was nothing else to think about (only unless we tried to).

This method is seen as the biggest breakthrough in therapy. This simple practise is what therapists and psychologists call mindfulness. In essence, mindfulness is just another word for meditation.

Who would you say are the happiest people in the world? Drug addicts on a high? The rich? Miley Cyrus’ dogs?

Well, it’s been scientifically proven that Buddhist monks are the happiest people in the world, as the parts of their brain responsible for happiness light up when they are deep in meditation.

Depression is your past, anxiety is your future. I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’ve never heard a truer statement. Being present in this very moment will be the end of your suffering. As you practise mindfulness, you learn to quiet these incessant thoughts, that at times, don’t even seem to come from you.. but to you. I mean, take a minute.. watch yourself. See what you helplessly think about next.

 

Imagine the Earth devoid of human life, inhabited only by plants and animals. Would it still have a past and a future? Could we still speak of time in any meaningful way? The question, “What time is it?” or “What’s the date today?” – if anybody were there to ask it – would be quite meaningless. The oak tree or the eagle would be bemused by such a question. “What time?” they would ask. “Well, of course, it’s now. The time is now. What else is there?”

The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle

 

As you sit here and read this. You are safe. There is absolutely nothing wrong in this moment. Everything you’re worrying about will be dealt with eventually. Make a list and complete each task as they come. There is no point in overthinking a problem into existence. Once you realize how incredibly okay you are in this moment, do your best to be present.. with this exercise.

Sit, stand or lay in a comfortable position. Take note of your breathing. Remain constantly conscious of your own mind. Know that you’re doing this. While you’re inhaling know that you’re inhaling, while you’re exhaling know that you’re exhaling. It is perfectly fine and expected to have random thoughts pop into your mind. You will get distracted. Be mindful of this. Congratulate yourself each time you catch yourself trailing off. That, in itself, is consciousness. Take notice of what your next thought will be. Then bring yourself back to right now. You mustn’t get angry or frustrated at yourself for losing focus. Clearing your mind takes a lot of practise. Now, feel through every part of your body. Feel what they are touching. Your feet, your calves, your thighs, your stomach, your chest, you arms and hands. Feel the clothes on every part of your skin. Do not judge. Be present in this moment.

“Permanent awareness is a definitive end of your suffering.”  – Eckhart Tolle

You arrive home from a long day and notice something in the corner of your living room. A snake! You retreat, closing the door behind you, fearful of the unknown. It is poisonous? Do you even dare find out? So you cower in fear, avoiding ever returning into that very room. But if you only took a minute to face this, to really pay attention and offer your non-judgemental awareness, you would have realized that the snake you cower from is actually just a piece of rope. Confront your pain. See it for what it is. Continuing to avoid pain will only further perpetuate it. 

There are three main schools:

  • Hinayaria Try to end negative and destructive patterns.

“Teaches you to avoid or eliminate situations and thoughts that cause misery (triggers) trying to end your destructive habits such as addictions or self-neglect.”

  • Mahayana – Develop positive happiness creating patterns.

“The development of positive automatic responses as an antidote to the negative ones. Need consciousness to abundance consciousness.”

  • Vajrayana Reverse the direction of your mind towards its own perfect nature.

“Recognizing the true essence in all negative patterns. Emotions (like aggression, obsession, aversion, and attachment) are no longer negative or avoided but seen through and ‘felt through’ and transformed into their pure essence.”

“Your awareness is sometimes known as a witness because it constantly witnesses everything that occurs in your mind and around you. Just like a mirror does not become dirty by the object it reflects. Consciousness in moments of worrying will help. Instead of rejection and dissociating, you continue to look at yourself and your worries with kind and nonjudgmental awareness. Worrying is no longer rejection. You mustn’t fight the busy mind, but must learn to embrace it with attention and awareness. That is the essence of meditation.”

Techniques!

1 minute meditation.

“How am I feeling right now?” 

For one minute, stop and ask yourself how you are feeling. Without thinking about why you are feeling any certain way, be mindful of your internal emotions. Where are you feeling it in your body? Focus only on your body.

“Allow yourself to feel. If you catch yourself retelling stories in moments of focus through pain, your mind is trying to find relief. Justified denial of your own responsibility. The smartest way to get out of a painful situation.”

Meditation through Pain

“Tensing up dissolves and the pain transforms into pure energy. Each time you’ll see the illusion of suffering more quickly. Eventually it will be the pain itself that reminds you of your natural state, so that the arising and dissolving of the pain takes place almost simultaneously.”

 

“The inner judge advises us what to do. If you do this you get lots of praise, if you do that you could seriously lose respect. But when you only do something in order to get peoples praise or don’t do something only out of fear of rejection, your inner judge is instantly ready to attack with self rejection.”

“Your inner judge is actually an internalized version of the voice of your parents when you were young.”

“When you hear it you feel small and powerless like a child. You must reclaim your power from the inner judge. Much like your parents, you always had to submit, being the weaker one. Going against the criticism will only strengthen its position of power. To release your inner judge, you must make the decision that you’re never going to abandon yourself again. Meditation. The self-aware consciousness. Free from rejection and self rejection. The ultimate answer.”

“Don’t add to the vicious cycle. Don’t get angry about being angry. The problem isn’t your cravings (sex, drugs, sweets) but your rejection of that craving and of yourself as the craver. Every ego pattern is in fact an automatic response aimed at protecting yourself against rejection, and obtaining love and approval. Let the world just be as it is. Then your pity and powerless frustration will change into compassion and effortless action for the well-being of yourself and everyone else. Start embracing everything in and around yourself with non-judgmental awareness. Happiness produced by negative actions is actually nothing other than a temporary reduction of the distress that made us engage in them.”

“Our observing mind is tied onto the horse of our thoughts and emotions, reacting wildly and erratically to all kinds of stimuli, running erratically, rearing and prancing through the meadow of our life. We try to calm it down by hitting and kicking it (self rejection). The spiritual path teaches you to stop hitting the horse, but instead to quiet with it kindness. To cooperate, occasionally dismount making you no longer the victim of your own mind and its observers. The rider who can use it or let go of it whenever you want.”

“You must learn to see many of the securing layers of patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving in order to be really free from your own thoughts and emotions. Once you realize that you are not your thoughts and emotions, and recognize them as a game of the mind, you are free. Love is mutilated to become security. Connectedness is twisted into clinging, effortless giving disappears behind making efforts to receive. The more you can embrace those deep feelings of missing a partner yourself with non-judgmental awareness, the less dependent on other people’s love and approval you become. And the more your need consciousness becomes abundance consciousness.”

We need to realize that life is a ride. We’re simply observing our lives as it unfolds. Especially to the things we have no control over, we must understand that everything happens for a reason.

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

Young, in love and self-actualized

what makes a relationship fucking great and why traditional ones suck

*An easy guide to understanding that traditional relationships are built on a mecca of insecure people using each other to feel nice. Also, how to pursuit an honest relationship.

This is part four.

(LOVE) RELATIONSHIP THINKING

As soon as we enter a relationship with this misunderstanding of our perfect naturewe give up our own responsibility for our happiness. Love relationships are a kind of agreement to maintain this mutual dependency of approval. “Spending time with a significant other is like an addictive drug. Once together, you expose your natural state. Once apart, you’re more sensitive to your inadequacies.” In this phase of the relationship, nothing is as addictive as security. After the honeymoon phase, the rejecting qualities in a partner and the downsides of your partners advantages now become evident.

“Letting go of relationship thinking means you no longer regard having or not having a relationship as a goal in life. But see it as a circumstance which you do or don’t encounter, which you can learn from and enjoy for as long as it lasts.”

“Relationship thinking suggests that ‘a good relationship’ is final and permanent.”

“Nothing is permanent. Thinking that a relationship should be, just makes us cling to it desperately and feel tremendous pain if the relationship consequently goes wrong. If you’re adamant about your relationship providing lifelong security, your love will constantly run into problems. But if you recognize that relationships are temporary and changeable, your love endures. Relationship thinking = hopelessness. If you constantly hold out the promise of eternal happiness with your lover, you will always remain dependent, afraid of rejection, striving for future happiness and meanwhile repeatedly losing yourself, always needy for other people’s love and approval, never in contact with who they really are.”

“If you are in a relationship, you no longer need to worry about how long it will last. You find security in your own deepest nature, and your relationship flourishes or breaks up. Both are expressions of love.”

“Relationship thinking is so widely established because of the need consciousness that we’re basically imperfect, not complete, not good enough (the negative belief). The only way to really get rid of that need consciousness is to realize your perfect nature. Becoming free of relationship thinking occurs naturally when you learn to recognize its symptoms in yourself and to accept them with kind awareness.”

Say your partner wants to travel solo for a year. This instills fear and rejection within you, that they don’t want to be with you in all that time, or that they’ll end up falling for someone else on their travels. “If you really think the other person is responsible for your deep feelings of fear and rejection, then in the long run, there’s nothing you can do except end the relationship. But more love and space is possible when one takes responsibility for themselves and their feelings. If you get really good at this, there will never again be a reason not to love the other person.”

“Monogamy contributes to happiness and less suffering if it’s voluntary and arises out of love and self-esteem, not if its coerced out of fear and dependency.”

“Image yourself, old and single. What feelings arise? Fear of loneliness or death? What will you miss? The togetherness? The love? Good sex? Security? Self-esteem? Happiness? We link all the good things in life to having a love relationship. It’s possible to experience these good things without a love relationship. When need consciousness turns into abundance consciousness, you live permanently in a state of love and effortlessly give love to others regardless of whether or not you have a love partner.”

“Don’t waste your time waiting for someone to provide that ‘happiness’ that you already have within you.”

“You’ll cling less to secure situations because you feel secure enough in yourself. Letting go of your need consciousness is only scary as long as you’re still thinking about it.”

 

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. […]

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

–  Khalil Gibran

 

“In the spiritual relationship, the love is no longer suffocated by fear and the need for safety, so it just keeps growing and flowering. It becomes increasingly effortless to give unconditional love, and you quite naturally receive more love in return (because you are enough in yourself). Giving love should never be any trying to earn or expect back. A relationship is two independent and complete human beings in one single experience of love. As opposed to the merging of two fearful half people in one vicious cycle of yearning and misery for security and approval (often occurring in a traditional love relationship).” Converting a traditional relationship to a spiritual relationship is mainly communication and taking responsibility of your feelings and emotions.

Drop relationship thinking. Which is more important? The secure idea that you stay together forever (and a strong chance that in reality this won’t happen) or the insecure idea that you can leave each other anytime (and a stronger chance that neither of you will feel any need to do this).”

“Your love for each other entails that you can also push each other’s deepest buttons of painful, fearful and dependent feelings. As soon as you stop blaming your partner for those feelings, and learn to feel and embrace them with non-judgmental awareness, your sense of self esteem and autonomy gets stronger. When fear of losing your partner is no longer your main motivation, greater clarity arises naturally about whether you want to stay together or not. Therefore time apart can be good. Everything changes, including relationships. Suffering arises when you resist this.  Stop amputating (or dissociating) yourself and manipulating (or merging) your partner in the attempt to repair that ‘secure’ self. Start living, start loving, discover the inner security that you already had within you and from which you’ve always run away in fear until now. Embrace that fear, because it’s the door to your natural state of being.”

Sex becomes the security ritual over time in traditional relationships. Its main aim is to provide security and keep the fear of rejection covered up. Sexuality is very closely connected with your deepest feelings of vulnerability, fear and dependency and in a traditional relationship, these must be covered. Too much security is an obstruction to love. As emotional independence increases, they feel more love, and hence the joyful desire to indulge one another. Because the partners are independent people, and are therefore not using each other to fill the gap of their own feelings of incompleteness, the sex stays just as fresh and adventurous as it was when the relationship began. Sex within a spiritual relationship will reflect the nature of that relationship. Open, free, independent and loving, and in harmony with the nature of both partners.”

*There’s this whole bit on Tantric sex.. Read and do your research. A simple paragraph could not do it justice.

“The danger of love addiction is falling in love again with another rejecting and unattainable partner. Extremely common, the dissociated partner needs sex in order to have deeper feelings. The merged partner needs deep feelings in order to have sex. Each time you cling to a situation or a person that fills you with happiness, becoming attached to the self-esteem that this gives you, your perfect nature is being blindly confused for an illusion of neediness and dependency. Each time you make that mistake, it’s immediately brought to your attention, it evokes fear. Fear of losing that person or situation, fear of rejection and self-rejection. It’s an infallible system. All suffering arises from ignorance and the denial of this perfect state. There is exuberant joy in everything. Compliments, reproaches, approval, rejection, success or failure, pleasure and pain. It’s reality that causes our problems and misery. This makes us resist it and engage in even more thinking in order to find a way out of that misery. The counterproductive paradox. The more you try to lose this mode of thinking, the more you’ll continue to think.  The discomfort and self-rejection turn out in reality to be the gateway to our perfect nature, a method of pursuing and discovering it. Our deepest longing for a perfect love relationship, for ‘the one’ who totally loves us and accepts us as we are and will never leave us, turns out to be a projection of what in reality we already are!”

“No one can ever give you what you are already.”

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.