i met the love of my life last night

There was this transformative moment, during the most profound Saturday of my life so far. We were running down a hill, watching the different nuances of the sunset drift behind grey clouds. As we ran, it felt like a movie, a movie I would relive over and over again as if I could just press rewind.

So I left my girls and trekked back up that steep street paved hill. I didn’t want to miss a second of that transcendent sky. So, I walked backwards into the empty street, stumbled upon a telephone pole and made myself at home. The black denim jacket covering my bare back was just enough to make me feel comfortable. And just as I thought I was about to run down once more, to relive the last few minutes of my life over again, I had to stop. This view was nothing like I’ve ever seen before. I had no words, only time and contemplation. And that’s when it happened.

There were a million thoughts running through mind. A time of reflection, as if my life were flashing before my eyes. But this single thought struck me harder than the rest. I finally confronted the most important figure in my life.

Despite all these years of introspection, conversations with my inner voice and emotional fabrication, with the body and mindset I’ve always possessed.

I realized…

It’s me.

It was me. And it’s always been me, but in this moment, I’d finally taken notice.

I understand you. I see you. I feel you. And I’m finally here with you now. I’ve never felt so at peace with being by my self. There was this comfort. Like old friends reuniting, but this time, was the first time. I appreciated myself as an actual being, beyond all the negative thoughts that have pervaded my mind.

I thought to myself, “Everything you ever do is for others. You are constantly giving yourself and caring so much about what other people think and how they feel that you’ve never taken a moment to understand yourself. To appreciate yourself. To love yourself.” I’ve been craving the attention and adoration of others when I already possess that worth and adoration within myself. Especially when it comes to my creations and how thoughtfully passionate I am about them. If I can appreciate things for what they are, creations, by me and for me, then there is certainly love to be felt in the same way by others. That commonality grants me fulfillment. And all I ever really needed was my own confirmation to know that. I have my own standards to satisfy. Everybody’s will be different. But if I’m proud as hell to make what I make then that is good enough.

I wiped the slick tears off my face and started daydreaming about myself. Moments in which I wish I were admired by others. Moments in which I felt beautiful and yearned for someone to take notice. Beneath the red-orange sun set behind gloomy clouds, I became my own lover. I admired myself. I took notice of myself. And I vowed from that day forward to respect and love myself first before I ever let someone else do the same.

If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else? – Rupaul

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