learning to say no cause I deserve so much mo
(The realization that not every person you encounter will be the love of your life).
(DISCLAIMER: this is my life. The way I choose to overcome my hardships is my own journey, listen and learn. We might be entirely different).
You owe nobody anything. No explanations to be made. No sorries to be had. You were put on this earth to be good to yourself and this life (taken with a grain of salt, I’m not saying be a piece of poo to people).
I grew up conditioned under the belief that every opportunity I came across must be held onto for dear life, like a rare comet to be wished upon. Who can guarantee another one will come? As I grew older and wiser, more and more comets have flashed by, creating disappointment and pure bliss. And, as convinced as I was that they’d eventually stop, they never did.
Obsession is my illness. Overthinking, romanticizing, adoration and replaying conversations turned into my drugs of choice. Everything else became white noise. Nothing else mattered because in those moments, I was high with expectation.
I quickly played up the perfection in every attractive figure that came into my life. These ‘opportunities’ for a better, happier life. These people, whom I thought would become my everything, my cheerleader, my support, my comforter, my saviour, were nothing short of a charade.
I was disappointed with the emptiness they left me with, realizing that I made them up. But I quickly realized my worth.
I am not a hobby. I am not alive for your convenience. I am so much more than the sum of my parts. And there you were, assuming I would get on my knees the moment you called.
With no real emotional connection, pleasure becomes this temporary high. Once you achieve that sexual gratification, it’s just a matter of time before you want it again.
NO MO(re feeling like I need to be in love to be happy) LIST:
- As an anatomically monogamous and wholly loving individual, short bursts of temporary love is toxic to me.
- I feel devalued giving myself away with no real payoff. The emptiness always follows.
- I give myself up in the hopes of getting more.
- There are so many amazing and attractive “hot singles in your area”.
- I don’t completely love myself yet, therefore, I am not ready.
- I want to be secure with no sign of desperation.
- I want to be in love feeling excited and calm. I want no part in living with constant insecurities.
- I want the corny shit we’ll eventually say to actually mean something.
- I want sex to mean something.
And so, I’ll wait.
And I’ll respectfully decline the superficial attention I get and keep my chin up knowing the right people will come across my path eventually. You will not meet the love of your life on the dance floor, that shit happens in movies. And the people who hit you up for their convenience are nothing more than a distraction off your course.
Don’t fucking settle. Don’t settle for the motherfucker that hits you up when they feel like it. Or the motherhecker that leaves you on read and doesn’t seem to really give a frick about how your day went or talk to you about your relationship with your parents or how many siblings you have and looks at you like a piece of low grade meat from Discount Dales. You are more than this and someone will finally recognize it. Be patient.
You don’t need it.