after smoking weed again after 5 years, I thought I was going to have a psychotic break

a journal entry, recounted.

I smoked again. July 7th, 2018. The second time since maybe 10th grade.

Marijuana has always been in my life. It was a culture first made familiar by the kids we once called popular in the 8th grade. They would sneak away to the forest at lunch while the rest of us with revel in dismay at their interest for the devil’s lettuce.

Later, I truly got a feel for what marijuana was as I got older. Soon after, I finally worked up the courage to try it. The first time was fine. 4/20 of grade 9. It was a mix up of laughs, paranoid forest adventures, and being matched up with a guy I had no interest in. The second and only other time I can really remember was the 10th grade. I had been so paranoid both times. But this second time was quite alarming. I woke up the very next day still feeling high, and, to this day, I’m not sure I’ve gotten completely over it. When I stare at people for too long, I still get this distorted “I am in a video game” feeling. After never wanting to experience this deeper, I made certain to stay away from weed (but maintaining respect for the friends that did).

Until, this past summer, where I felt this deep pull to revisit Mother Mary. It was decided. I chose to do it with a couple roommates, whom I trust so dearly. I took a couple tokes. Then, about an hour later, took a few more deep hits before entering this movie theatre.

Big mistake.

My body started to feel really heavy. My head felt the onset of a migraine. And what felt like an opportunity to explore something different, was everything I feared the most coming to life.

We stood in this theatre together.  A conversation with my roommate slowly swerved itself into a morbid fantasy. He turned into an exact replica of himself in miniature finger puppet form brought right up to my eye.

It was essentially a K-hole. “…your awareness of the world around you, and your control over your own body, become so profoundly impaired that you’re temporarily unable to interact with others—or the world around you.”

Living with depersonalization/derealization disorder, makes this feeling of dissociation constant. Having DP/DR has become second nature to me. So much so that I don’t even know if I do or don’t have it anymore. Reality and this dreamlike state have essentially mixed themselves together. But to experience a medicine that makes these disorders so much more potent to these senses, made me feel as though I was being brought to a complete state of psychosis.

We finally sat down and I couldn’t help but grow more worried about these sensations arising so strongly again. As the previews flashed on, someone handed me a pair of 3D glasses, to which I immediately thought “Are you fucking kidding me?”. Do you really think this is a good idea? I’m already pretty fucked up, man.

But I still gave it a go. YOLO.

I threw them on, and to my absolute surprise, the distortion of the glasses made my state of demise so much more bearable. I was distracted. But the thoughts still overwhelmed me.

  1. What if this is forever?
  2. I might have a psychotic break in this theatre. They’ll have to call the police.
  3. This is suffering that I’m willing to die to break free from.
  4. Nobody will ever be able to understand what I’m experiencing.

A part of the movie mentioned Quantum reality, a place somewhat like space, where this character ends up being trapped, alone, floating endlessly.

That fucked me up to the ends of the earth. To be endlessly floating, with nothing to do, and no one to interact with. That’s what it felt like being so high.

The thoughts just turned into more thought. Until, I fell asleep halfway through. Thank God and all the heavens.

I woke up the next day sober. Thankful. Having grown from something so intense. I probably made that night worst because of the paranoia. But I’ve learned.

B R E A T H E.

F E E L.

A C C E P T.

A P P R E C I A T E.

The mind is a wonderful slave, but a terrible master.

Life isn’t completely pain. The pain is just a symptom of really living. Life works and grows through polarity. The mind works in wondrous ways. Especially your own. Learn to take pride in your growth and your willingness to improve, the simplicity to enjoy your surroundings, patiently so. As this perseverance has and will manifest the space you live in, the friends you have and the lifestyle you live.

Every side of you helps and contributes in some way. We are not enemies to ourselves. We are team mates.

You can see things for face value. True black. True white. Don’t sweat the small things. It’s not worth it in the long run. Life will continue in the same way it always has, how it always will. We are an incredibly adaptive community. We persevere through the hardships. But understand and learn to appreciate what you have, constantly. If dying is a phenomenon that we will all face, why waste time stressing about shit that doesn’t matter. Everything is just a matter of time.

Everything is temporary.

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