dealing with life when you’re facing a hardship

It’s hard to be at home… yet, it’s almost as hard leaving. I feel like I’m in this constant cycle, this limitless limbo. My shoulders tense up with every breathe and all I can do is feel helpless that nothing can change without time.

I find myself feeling exhausted through every conversation. There’s this internal block, like a clot in an artery, in need to be cleared in order to flow. It’s just that all this uncertainty makes me fearful of tomorrow.

All of my closest friends have become my part time therapists. Although, I’ve found that the words I hope to hear in return are coming from my own mouth. Nobody really knows. Most can only try to understand because everybody’s struggles will be different. Especially in the ways we cope and process whatever matter we’re going through.

Without this pain, the happiness I feel would not be as extreme. How can I enjoy myself in moments of clarity if I’ve had it all my life. It’s like water. When you have it everyday, it’s no big deal. In fact, some people don’t even like it. In the same way, each day you go without it, the thirstier you become. Once you feel the familiar quench of your deprivation being satiated, cool water enveloping every square space in your mouth, only then does that moment consume you. It becomes everything because at one point it was nothing. Only then do you understand the full magnitude of how amazing it is. What is bliss without misery.

Where does the root of my anguish come from. What am I afraid of?

Heartache. Heartbreak. Trauma.

But what can come of this. Acute grief is relieved at least 6 months after the fact. More over, those who spend less time thinking and sulking overcome it easier. It’s the lingering. It’s the endless cycle. It’s the limitless limbo that puts us in a hole.

At this point in my life, I have the righteous freedom to feel the way I do and act the way I feel. To feel respect for myself and do what I find is necessary to improve myself and my mental health. To dedicate myself to matters than help me and alleviate the stress of daily life. If I need time alone, I’ll take it. If I need to escape, I’ll leave. If I need to be with other people, I’ll see them. If I find happiness outside of here, than so be it. At the face of death, I will be the only one that matters. What point is there in living if I linger on the brevities of pain.

I am okay. If not now, I will be.

I am okay. I have the support I need. I have a future filled with amazing experiences. If I am capable of feeling pain to this degree, than I am capable of feeling joy to the same extreme.

I can picture myself now, smiling ear to ear, laughing with my peers. Worrying not about the past I’ve already lived, just enjoying myself now. There is so much time. As we go through it, we get through it. Just be patient through it all.

G

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