do you do the shit you do for you?

*An easy guide to understanding how you are changing yourself for the wrong reasons. 

This is part three.


As we continue to search for love and approval from others, we change ourselves. We reconstruct a self image in an attempt to obtain the love we long for and to inevitably become “better and happier people”. These methods are called dissociation and merging. 

Dissociation (or detachment) is the act of removing certain attributes of oneself for love and approval.

Merging is the process of developing certain qualities and values for love and approval.

“Dissociation is indeed seen more often in men in not doing. Merging is seen more in women in doing. The mistake in trying to eliminate negative patterns like arrogance, jealousy, dependence and addiction is that we’re not seeing that the negative pattern is actually a blocked or distorted version of a positive natural quality. In general, when someone’s behaviour annoys you, it’s either because you’re unconsciously the same yourself (merging) or because you very consciously don’t want to be like that (dissociation). For example, seeing someone dominant and infuriating posing as superior would be the very qualities a ‘nice guy’ would be suppressing his entire life. Our outlook on others is largely based on a projection of our own emotions. You dislike someone because she displays annoying qualities that you also have yourself without knowing it (merging) or that you absolutely don’t want to have (anymore) yourself (dissociation).”

“Your partner eventually becomes the main supplier of love and approval and hence the most important part of our self image. Something that could’ve helped us become free of that self image, in fact reinforces it.  We’re always busy with striving for happiness and avoiding misery, never really 100 percent satisfied. The way we constantly try to cover the illusion of our own imperfection with other people’s love and approval is a vicious merry-go-round into which you’re always putting new energy and which never stops. Change is inevitable. By fighting against this, we maintain and perpetuate these patterns in new forms.”

We become a victim of our own mind. Instead of understanding our perfeck nature and good intentions, we are constantly fighting with our minds, trying our best to be better and do better so we can receive better in return. You’re fine just the way you are. You’re fucking great actually. In fact, what kind of person would you want to be with if you had to change all these things about yourself? Not a good one. Change is inevitable, but that shit happens naturally.

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

One comment

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    […] soon as we enter a relationship with this misunderstanding of our perfect nature, we give up our own responsibility for our happiness. Love relationships are a kind of agreement […]


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