you don’t need to improve anything about yourself to be a good and worthwhile human bean

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*A guide to understanding that no matter how negatively you think or feel, you are innately a good and worthwhile human bean. 

⅖

This is part two.

YOUR PERFECK NATURAL STATE

“Who would you be without the thought that you should impress?” – Bryon Katie

Everybody has a true and perfect natural state. Everything comes from a place of purity and good intent.

  • Attention seeking = Natural creativity and artistry.
  • Addiction = Natural longing for happiness and harmony
  • Helpaholism = Altruism
  • Abrasiveness = Honesty
  • Stubbornness = Integrity
  • Toughness = Strength
  • Arrogance = Intelligence

the circle ya

Arrogance, when no longer rejected but embraced with your non-judgmental awareness (more on this, in another post, later), will gradually blossom as pure intelligence or clarity.

“When you’ve inflicted or evoked pain in others, was it really your intention to hurt that other person? Causing someone pain is out of powerlessness or anger, out of fear or stupidity, out of ignorance or even with good intentions.”

“Someone who is in contact with their natural state (full of their own love and approval), free of (self-)rejection will never feel powerless or a victim of other people’s behaviour.”

It’s our natural inclination to want to expand, to develop towards more knowledge, more insight, more love and more realization. Yet, many people diverge from their spiritual path, and instead strive for more approval, more possessions, more pleasure, more status and growth in any form. 

“You could search the whole world and not find anyone more worthy of your love than yourself.” – Buddha

“When two people fall in love, the impression arises that all your problems have been solved, that all your depressions and negative feelings have suddenly disappeared and that you’re completely free of your negative belief and self-rejection. Which in fact, only temporarily makes you lose your ego construction. These very brief happy in-love moments actually bring us into contact with our natural state, which is pure, clear and full of unconditional love, connectedness and altruism. You begin to connect this connection to your natural state to the person, believing them to be so pure and clear and full of unconditional love, and here lies the source of all misery that at later stages ensues from ‘falling in love’.

You become dependent on this person for triggering your natural state.

Like the beggar that sits on a chest of gold, we live in ignorance of our perfect nature, constantly escaping or covering the frustration that this creates. There is a spiritual path, in which relationships are a way back to our deepest nature. Not acknowledging our perfect state of being causes us to dislike our supposed imperfect nature, or negative belief. This gives rise to attachment of others love and approval, as a means to cover that imperfect nature. The realization of your perfect natural state will result in unconditional and supreme happiness. There is a kind, non-judgmental observer that’s conscious of its own all-encompassing abundant warmth and clarity that needs nothing and gives effortlessly and allows everyone to share its abundance within you. A mind that knows its own perfect nature can never get addicted again. All love relationships are actually a form of addiction to the way your negative belief is covered by your partners love and approval.”

As much as you can think and feel negatively, you are never truly linked to these thoughts or feelings. They may pervade your mind, but your truth is actually of good intent. Understand that you aren’t deliberately a shitty person. You just have thoughts that are shitty in the moment.

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

It’s all just a matter of time.

Diaries G 2 Comments on It’s all just a matter of time.

*A personal excerpt with blits and blops about knowing yourself.

I’ve come to realize that everything I want in life can and will happen in only a matter of time. It really requires patience and understanding to reach certain points in your life. I longed for genuine friends, a better relationship with myself, the empathy and compassion to communicate with others (much like the Dalai Llama) and now, I wish to garner this security within myself, to one day, be involved in a healthy genuine relationship and to be more in tune with my spontaneity, innocence and sense of humour. I want to flourish and glow without trying.. Much like Jessie J does in this video:

 

But through my life experiences and the piles of self-help books (that are digital tbh, because convenience and save the trees, my dude!!!), I’ve learned that you can’t force yourself to do anything. You can’t force the current to run a certain way, you just have to learn to flow with the water. Especially when it comes to your consciousness. So many of us go through some fucked up situations as children. We become programmed to specific thought processes and values, yet as soon as we’ve realized our full independence, it’s up to us to unlearn certain behaviours.. and to understand who we are in ourselves.

The moment I was enlightened and the moment I fully became conscious through meeting myself (and truly seeing myself as an actual person beyond my thoughts and my physicality), my life changed for the better. My mentality changed drastically. As I progress forth in my life, learning everyday to better myself, I understand that the values I hope to learn and act upon like muscle memory will happen eventually.. It’s all just a matter of time. We have the rest of our lives to live, what’s the rush?

the reason why you want love

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*An easy guide to understanding why you want love so bad. 

⅕

THANK YOU JAN GUERTZ. It wasn’t until I stepped away from someone I was really into that I realized how addicted I was to love, to affection and to relationships. I did my research and found this beautiful book… a book that I wish everybody could read, but you lazy fricks deserve something nice.. so, Merry Christmas. I summarized the whole book and added notes. Enjoy!

This is part one. 

SELF REJECTION

Do you do this?

  • Stop yourself from doing things in fear of rejection?
  • Desperately yearn for a relationship?
  • Constantly distract yourself from feeling pain?
  • Think negatively about yourself and other people?
  • Do you hate being alone?

The main reason why we feel this emptiness and desperation to find someone to be with is our longing for love and approval. For those of you that have tasted the sweetness of security and affection in a relationship, an addiction can arise. An intimidating word, which is simply a reflection of your constant habit to indulge in this activity.. or substance. Addictions, at their core, are mostly an avoidance of emptiness. Most people can’t stand being alone, looking for distractions in their black mirrors (your phone or computer). When it’s only a matter of time before you reflect on yourself and feel pain in trying to decipher your life.

As with most things in life, our behaviour today is determined by our upbringing. As children, we are completely dependent on our mothers. “I can’t live without you”, albeit losing it’s literal sense, is given the same value as we grow older. This dependence forms rejection. We are conditioned to avoid abandonment and in essence, death.

Self-rejection is the misunderstanding that we think we are innately imperfect, worthless or not good enough. It is the core of our (constructed) self-image, the engine that drives our constant need for other people’s love and approval.

There is a common process to suffering.

  • Triggers

A memory of distress and suffering is brought up, based on previous rejection and self-rejection.

  • The ‘I’ Feeling

We merge with the feeling. “I am that feeling”. Instead of “I am feeling these feelings”. Then, in not wanting to feel like that, we participate in the backwards law, the counterproductive paradox or meta rejection.

  • Meta rejection

You’re angry at yourself for being angry. You hate yourself because you reject yourself and you try to detach yourself from this painful feeling.

“It’s like blaming the doctor who’s found out that you have cancer. The person or situation that triggered the painful feeling isn’t the cause of it all. The cause lies in your own fundamental misunderstanding that you’re not as good as you are.” This causes you pain. So, you try your best to cover this up and fuel your self-esteem through other people’s love and approval. That’s why this borrowed self-esteem is very unreliable. It requires constant renewal. Much like the high of buying a new phone, it doesn’t last long.

The Guest House Jalaluddin Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

“The core of the whole problem is precisely the idea that we need to change something about ourselves in order to be good or worth while.”

“Stopping self rejection is not giving up to your feelings of worthlessness or convincing yourself that you’re good by nature. Stopping your self rejection is like removing the dark tinted spectacles and starting to look and recognize who you really are.”

Merging – attaining certain values or beliefs for love and approval.

Dissociating – detaching yourself from certain values or beliefs for love and approval.

“When you grow ignorant of your perfect nature, the unconditional love you already have is seen as conditional and dependent on the loved one to provide. This loved one becomes the cause of your happiness, with whom you become most dependent on for it and therefore the most likely to make you feel deeply rejected. You could learn to stop self rejection because you do it yourself. The opposite of self rejection and aversion is allowing, embracing, integrating. But if you do try to love yourself as a strategy to get rid of unpleasant feelings, then that is a form of detachment and dissociation doomed to create more misery then it eliminates.”

Samsara is mind turned outwardly, lost in it’s projections.

Nirvana is mind turned inwardly, recognizing its nature.

“Isn’t it rather restrictive to always be dependent on other people’s love and approval? To be hurt every time others don’t give us approval? To always depend on other people and circumstances for our happiness and self-esteem? That isn’t how we really are! That’s the result of a series of mistakes which all start with and are nurtured by our fundamental misunderstanding of our perfect nature.”

You are with yourself for the rest of your life. Make this bond a good one. Treat yourself kindly. Look at yourself as an actual person.. because you are your own best friend.

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

i am living in a constant dreamstate

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…because i can’t drink.. because i have the worst of the Asian genes, i guess smoking marijuana will be my thing!!! I will do the drug!

There was about 4 or 5 of us. I was maybe 15 years old. We were huddled around this movie theatre plaza in my hometown when the boys were passing around a poorly rolled joint. They took the first few hits and let me have my round. It had been a while since I first smoked. I got more and more excited to be able to do it again since it became so popular. I could be that cool stoner chick. I was 3 tokes in until I finally felt something.

About an hour later, my dad picked us up. I was tense and rigid at the prospect of him finding out. ‘BE COOL, DON’T SAY ANYTHING’. I’d scream, telepathically, as everybody was hunched together in the back seat.

It wasn’t until I woke up in the morning that I felt it.

I was still high.

The room was dodgy. It felt like I was watching the world through a screen. Everything was so much further from my own eyes. I would look at my hands, waving them and feeling as though something else was doing it.

Over the course of a few weeks (or months), I freaked out. I cried. I had never felt so rejected and discontent. I felt as though my life would never truly be my life so as long as I kept feeling this way.

Before I smoked that night, I had been living with a lower level version of this dream state. I actually got my mom to take me to get contact lenses because I thought it was a problem with my vision.

When I finally got the trial pair in, I had to walk along the streets waiting for my mom. I remember looking at cars zipping past me in the dark, feeling exactly the way I did before I had the contacts in.

I searched every corner of the internet, hoping there was some magic cure. I talked to therapists and psychologists and social workers in hopes of figuring out what was wrong with me (and received nothing but confused expressions and simple to-the-book techniques like eat right and sleep). It wasn’t until I found a name that I was shown a light of hope.

Derealization. Depersonalization.

It feels like the world is vignetted. It feels like theres this blanket screen covering my eyes, obstructing my vision, keeping me away from feeling the vividness of reality. It feels like I’m this RPG character trying to get through life, but the screen is dimmed to the lowest setting. It feels like my limbs aren’t mine.

It’s been years since I figured this out. And to this day, I still have it.

But I only recently remembered that I even have it.

I forgot.

It was the days I learned to laugh again, the days I performed and made jokes, empathized and cried… that I realized how little this mental illness actually effected me.

I used to define myself as incapable of living life. But really, it was merely the thoughts convincing me.

I’m growing older, and I’m realizing that your perspective of reality marks the way you live life. If you see the world as a cynical Sally and everything you ever come across is perceived in a pessimistic way, the magnitude of a bad encounter will set the stage for the rest of your day.. and maybe even your life… where something slightly off would feel as though the world were being shaken.

I decided against that. It’s my life. I’ll live exactly the way I want to. I decided to forget and make do with what I have. If I’m still able to feel and express myself freely, nothing can stop me. So what’s the point in stressing out about it?

I am here. I am present. I am alive. And that’s more than enough for me.

PS. I don’t smoke weed.

nobody’s going to hurt you…

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…and if they try, give them hell.

Worst Case Scenario #1:

You are completely ridiculed by every single person in the room. You will continue off a life legacy of pain and embarrassment.

Worst Case Scenario #2:

Someone tries to hurt or touch you.

Worst Case Scenario #3:

You die.

Is there some sort of anatomical benefit to embarrassment? I mean, everything we do in human nature serves a purpose. Like my need to feel accepted, it goes back to the days where societies would kill those that were excluded. ……oh. Well there you go… we inherently want to be accepted. By going against the grain of normality, you stand out.  It seems like that’s not always a good thing. I mean, everybody wants to be the snowflake protagonist… But in actuality, we’re all smarties, m&ms and skittles.. jambled together in a pool. We are all different and equal in every way.

If I continue to live my life in fear of what others feel about me or think about me, I risk missing out on some wild fucking adventures. Every single time I go out, I can’t help but find myself stuck in this loop of wonder. “Will anybody notice me?” “Do I look pretty enough?” “Will I have any fun?” “Do I look stupid?”

Heavens to betsy, girl. I’m a think tank of fuckery, perpetrating negligence by filling my mind with displeasure. It get’s so exhausting, hauling the stress above my head like these little things actually matter. It never gets fun. It’ll never change. I just need to let go and be wild.

As much as I can profess how free I am in spirit, my mind and body continue to feel the weight of the chains where my anxiety heaves and pulls. There’s no way to escape the grasp of it’s hold. I just need to accept the pain for what it is and find my own way to enjoy it. Let it melt and dissolve as I fully come to realize how little it all really matters.

We are nothing and everything all at the same time. If I died today, people would cry but my soul will live on with no recollection of this pain I might feel right now. There is pure bliss behind the struggle. There is a core of actuality, waiting to be explored, waiting to feel acknowledged of it’s truth. Patiently waiting for realization.

Life has no goal. We may label our ambitions as such but what brings it all together is how I feel right now. I am more than who I appear to be. Nobody knows who I am based on the clothes that I’m wearing or the people I hang out with. You can only know when you try. Oh man, oh man. I’m living my best life. I’m enjoying the freedom of peace. I’m just so bored of how stable this life is that I have to make excuses. I’m doing fucking great, man. No need to ask. It seems overwhelming but the truth is that I’m so fucking free.

We are all so fucking abundant.

learning to say no cause I deserve so much mo

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(The realization that not every person you encounter will be the love of your life).

(DISCLAIMER: this is my life. The way I choose to overcome my hardships is my own journey, listen and learn. We might be entirely different).

You owe nobody anything. No explanations to be made. No sorries to be had. You were put on this earth to be good to yourself and this life (taken with a grain of salt, I’m not saying be a piece of poo to people).

I grew up conditioned under the belief that every opportunity I came across must be held onto for dear life, like a rare comet to be wished upon. Who can guarantee another one will come? As I grew older and wiser, more and more comets have flashed by, creating disappointment and pure bliss. And, as convinced as I was that they’d eventually stop, they never did.

Obsession is my illness. Overthinking, romanticizing, adoration and replaying conversations turned into my drugs of choice. Everything else became white noise. Nothing else mattered because in those moments, I was high with expectation.

I quickly played up the perfection in every attractive figure that came into my life. These ‘opportunities’ for a better, happier life. These people, whom I thought would become my everything, my cheerleader, my support, my comforter, my saviour, were nothing short of a charade.

I was disappointed with the emptiness they left me with, realizing that I made them up. But I quickly realized my worth.

I am not a hobby. I am not alive for your convenience. I am so much more than the sum of my parts. And there you were, assuming I would get on my knees the moment you called.

With no real emotional connection, pleasure becomes this temporary high. Once you achieve that sexual gratification, it’s just a matter of time before you want it again.

NO MO(re feeling like I need to be in love to be happy) LIST:

  • As an anatomically monogamous and wholly loving individual, short bursts of temporary love is toxic to me.
  • I feel devalued giving myself away with no real payoff. The emptiness always follows.
  • I give myself up in the hopes of getting more.
  • There are so many amazing and attractive “hot singles in your area”.
  • I don’t completely love myself yet, therefore, I am not ready.
  • I want to be secure with no sign of desperation.
  • I want to be in love feeling excited and calm. I want no part in living with constant insecurities.
  • I want the corny shit we’ll eventually say to actually mean something.
  • I want sex to mean something.

And so, I’ll wait.

And I’ll respectfully decline the superficial attention I get and keep my chin up knowing the right people will come across my path eventually. You will not meet the love of your life on the dance floor, that shit happens in movies. And the people who hit you up for their convenience are nothing more than a distraction off your course.

Don’t fucking settle. Don’t settle for the motherfucker that hits you up when they feel like it. Or the motherhecker that leaves you on read and doesn’t seem to really give a frick about how your day went or talk to you about your relationship with your parents or how many siblings you have and looks at you like a piece of low grade meat from Discount Dales. You are more than this and someone will finally recognize it. Be patient.

You don’t need it.

accept the things you can’t control

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I’ve spend countless weekends down the walk of bars.. feeling the thick smog of expectations in the air, carrying myself between the people and their motives. It’s all the same. Every time. The constant loop of disappointment. The expectation that “it’ll be different this time”, while finding myself tucked into bed at 4am with nothing else to describe the night besides mediocre.

I picked up another job. I watched as my friends danced and laughed without me while I slummed the aisles and tables of this servant’s playground. When I’m not there, I’m still trapped inside my own mind. Instant entertainment is realistically the burden at my finger tips. Within seconds of scrolling, I’ve been exposed to the 3% of women in the world who just so happen to be models, covering every square inch of social media.

I’ve been conditioned to feel as though, if I don’t experience enough life at my age, I’ll forever be consumed with regret. Surrounding myself with older people that envy my age makes me feel more rushed to live my life. Their fears in aging etch terror into my future being. Hearing their moans of insecurity, their stories and travels.. When will it be my turn? Shouldn’t it be now? What in the goddamn heck am I doing then?

Time is arbitrary. The experiences I see others living through are their own. Do I want to be there truly for myself? Or am I chasing a laugh I can have any other day? The love of my life I know I’ll meet in a matter of time? A friendship I’ll develop eventually? Or an adventure I can recount in another place? The instant gratification I feel in experiencing life is used to distract myself from the void. I never want to be home. Alone time feels like time wasted.

Yet, there is nothing more I want in life than to feel fulfilled in my craft. How do I master such skill without dedicating the hard work first? Alone time is not necessary a bad thing.

And what sets an experience apart from being good? Was it the attention I got, the love I was given or the feelings I felt? Because I can’t control that.

This last month of summer will be pure education, in every form. A simple chapter read will be the bare minimum. I’ve wasted too much of my life worrying about shit… about how I looked, about how others felt, about my future and the ones I loved and want to love. So fuck itching for my next high. Fuck pouring endless internet muck into the spaces of my brain. Fuck trying so damn hard to have a good time.

I will enjoy this.

My youthfulness will never be dictated by the wrinkles on my body. I will experience this life for me. I have nobody to impress and the rest of my life to live because I am more than okay.

I will enjoy right now.

dealing with life when you’re facing a hardship

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It’s hard to be at home… yet, it’s almost as hard leaving. I feel like I’m in this constant cycle, this limitless limbo. My shoulders tense up with every breathe and all I can do is feel helpless that nothing can change without time.

I find myself feeling exhausted through every conversation. There’s this internal block, like a clot in an artery, in need to be cleared in order to flow. It’s just that all this uncertainty makes me fearful of tomorrow.

All of my closest friends have become my part time therapists. Although, I’ve found that the words I hope to hear in return are coming from my own mouth. Nobody really knows. Most can only try to understand because everybody’s struggles will be different. Especially in the ways we cope and process whatever matter we’re going through.

Without this pain, the happiness I feel would not be as extreme. How can I enjoy myself in moments of clarity if I’ve had it all my life. It’s like water. When you have it everyday, it’s no big deal. In fact, some people don’t even like it. In the same way, each day you go without it, the thirstier you become. Once you feel the familiar quench of your deprivation being satiated, cool water enveloping every square space in your mouth, only then does that moment consume you. It becomes everything because at one point it was nothing. Only then do you understand the full magnitude of how amazing it is. What is bliss without misery.

Where does the root of my anguish come from. What am I afraid of?

Heartache. Heartbreak. Trauma.

But what can come of this. Acute grief is relieved at least 6 months after the fact. More over, those who spend less time thinking and sulking overcome it easier. It’s the lingering. It’s the endless cycle. It’s the limitless limbo that puts us in a hole.

At this point in my life, I have the righteous freedom to feel the way I do and act the way I feel. To feel respect for myself and do what I find is necessary to improve myself and my mental health. To dedicate myself to matters than help me and alleviate the stress of daily life. If I need time alone, I’ll take it. If I need to escape, I’ll leave. If I need to be with other people, I’ll see them. If I find happiness outside of here, than so be it. At the face of death, I will be the only one that matters. What point is there in living if I linger on the brevities of pain.

I am okay. If not now, I will be.

I am okay. I have the support I need. I have a future filled with amazing experiences. If I am capable of feeling pain to this degree, than I am capable of feeling joy to the same extreme.

I can picture myself now, smiling ear to ear, laughing with my peers. Worrying not about the past I’ve already lived, just enjoying myself now. There is so much time. As we go through it, we get through it. Just be patient through it all.

G

the process of truly loving yourself

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Weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to come face to face with myself. I thought I had reached a revelation and that everything, from that moment forward, would be different. To a certain degree, yes, things have changed. But what I hadn’t realized was that that first meeting.. was only just an introduction.

One moment, I’ll look at myself like the Goddess of Nutella (a sweet treat, some sexy food for ya eyes to eat). While other times, I’ll feel like a buttcheek on a stick. I’ve noticed that these feelings don’t often present themselves until I’ve started to witness beauty in others.

The root of these problems (for me) comes from watching.. and not receiving. Becoming a bystander to someone else’s shower of love. In the same way, my own satisfaction was usually fed through compliments. I would feel momentarily full when I was being admired. And yet, when admiration wasn’t happening to me, I’d feel hollow.

This self hatred begins through comparison.

Since when did I need someone to tell me I’m beautiful to really feel that way? Since when did hearing someone else being admired make me feel any less admirable. Why should I work so hard to improve myself just for someone to call me pretty? Do I need that?

I feel like this is in our primitive nature. Everything we do can be traced back into the age of survival. I used to feel so threatened by beautiful women because I’d feel as if they’d take away my chances of finding love. I grew up under the assumption that we are all at war with one another. We must work hard to be the best..

Well, in truth, everybody likes different things and love can be shared. There is no competition.

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” – Dita Von Teese

When we witness people basing their attention to others on looks, that shallowness is quite obvious. It’s honest human connection that allows us to fully grow and develop relationships. Looking a certain way should not effect how you live your life. It shouldn’t effect the types of relationships you create. It shouldn’t effect how happy you can be.

It’s an ongoing learning process to love and care for ourselves and our bodies. It seems that, what truly matters in life takes time.

You are good enough. When you love yourself and give into that feeling of freedom (like dancing in public or speaking your mind and owning it) people take notice. When they see someone doing it, they become attracted themselves.

After reflecting moments of jealousy from my insecurities, I slipped back into the primary mindset I had when I discovered myself. Although I finally entered the door, I never really explored the room. “How can you give to others when you’re barely full yourself. Only until you’re at 120% can you pour yourself into others” said Marina, this very fantastic woman in my life.

It’s simple. Everyday:

  • Spend at least 5 minutes of mindfulness focusing on a body part.
  • Admire something about yourself in the mirror.
  • Appreciate a characteristic or skill you embody.
  • Find something that makes you laugh.
  • Treat yourself.
  • Pamper yourself.

Selfishness and self love are two very different things. Learn to distinguish both. Care for yourself the most.

oxygen mask

 

lost again, but who’s really looking

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It’s happening again.

I’m feeling lost.

I’ve been ringing my neck, surrounding myself with a plethora of certain people.. er, people who are certain. But I’ve come to realize that.. not everybody really knows what they’re doing. In fact, I’m not sure if everybody even really does.

January 2017, I felt like a stray. I had no path in mind, no place to be. Following routine like it were my only belongings. Turns out these feelings of inadequacy go far deeper than having no place to be.

During high school Anthropology, I found out about this structure. This guideline in which we have to follow and fulfill these needs to progress. Who knew they’d actually be helpful.

maslow-pyramid.jpg

This is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We can surmise the basis of our struggles. Have we successfully fulfilled one portion to be able to concentrate on accomplishing the next? As for me, I’m finding holes.

I feel as if I’m being held back from life.. or at least I’ve let myself believe this to be true. For the basis of my physiological needs.. I may have water, warmth and a place to rest for the night, yet, I’m still convinced my circumstances can be better.. and that it’s up to me to change my life in every way to finally achieve it. But above all, why am I discontent with what I have now? Maybe my privileges aren’t appreciated because I’ve had them all my life. A simple comparison to a life I could be living can transform this mindset into one I should already embody. I have all the tools I could need and still, the biggest block is my mind. Nothing’s stopping me, but me.

Every sector of this triangle goes hand in hand with this mentality. Some things take time to achieve and opportunities to pursue. When really, that’s what life is all about. It would be boring to have it all laid out for us. We need the struggle to appreciate the bliss.

Thus, financial success (the main motive for most) may grant us a feeling of security. When truly, it may not be enough.

A friend I recently met told me that art is the only reoccurring form of fulfilment. You can buy whatever you want and eventually have that happiness wear off. In contrast, once you create something, it’s like biting into an abundance of sweet fruit. It’s satisfying and endlessly fulfilling. You can only grow from there. Our main goal isn’t money (at least it shouldn’t be). Money comes and goes, we’ll find ways to make ends meet. It’s in creation.

I know now how important it is to care about creation.. with no pressure of deadlines, where creation is meant for development and awareness.

I’m done stressing out about the constructs placed on me. I’m not lost. This fear isn’t real. I’ve only just allowed myself to believe it.

Fuck it. I control my destiny.