Young, in love and self-actualized

what makes a relationship fucking great and why traditional ones suck

*An easy guide to understanding that traditional relationships are built on a mecca of insecure people using each other to feel nice. Also, how to pursuit an honest relationship.

This is part four.

(LOVE) RELATIONSHIP THINKING

As soon as we enter a relationship with this misunderstanding of our perfect naturewe give up our own responsibility for our happiness. Love relationships are a kind of agreement to maintain this mutual dependency of approval. “Spending time with a significant other is like an addictive drug. Once together, you expose your natural state. Once apart, you’re more sensitive to your inadequacies.” In this phase of the relationship, nothing is as addictive as security. After the honeymoon phase, the rejecting qualities in a partner and the downsides of your partners advantages now become evident.

“Letting go of relationship thinking means you no longer regard having or not having a relationship as a goal in life. But see it as a circumstance which you do or don’t encounter, which you can learn from and enjoy for as long as it lasts.”

“Relationship thinking suggests that ‘a good relationship’ is final and permanent.”

“Nothing is permanent. Thinking that a relationship should be, just makes us cling to it desperately and feel tremendous pain if the relationship consequently goes wrong. If you’re adamant about your relationship providing lifelong security, your love will constantly run into problems. But if you recognize that relationships are temporary and changeable, your love endures. Relationship thinking = hopelessness. If you constantly hold out the promise of eternal happiness with your lover, you will always remain dependent, afraid of rejection, striving for future happiness and meanwhile repeatedly losing yourself, always needy for other people’s love and approval, never in contact with who they really are.”

“If you are in a relationship, you no longer need to worry about how long it will last. You find security in your own deepest nature, and your relationship flourishes or breaks up. Both are expressions of love.”

“Relationship thinking is so widely established because of the need consciousness that we’re basically imperfect, not complete, not good enough (the negative belief). The only way to really get rid of that need consciousness is to realize your perfect nature. Becoming free of relationship thinking occurs naturally when you learn to recognize its symptoms in yourself and to accept them with kind awareness.”

Say your partner wants to travel solo for a year. This instills fear and rejection within you, that they don’t want to be with you in all that time, or that they’ll end up falling for someone else on their travels. “If you really think the other person is responsible for your deep feelings of fear and rejection, then in the long run, there’s nothing you can do except end the relationship. But more love and space is possible when one takes responsibility for themselves and their feelings. If you get really good at this, there will never again be a reason not to love the other person.”

“Monogamy contributes to happiness and less suffering if it’s voluntary and arises out of love and self-esteem, not if its coerced out of fear and dependency.”

“Image yourself, old and single. What feelings arise? Fear of loneliness or death? What will you miss? The togetherness? The love? Good sex? Security? Self-esteem? Happiness? We link all the good things in life to having a love relationship. It’s possible to experience these good things without a love relationship. When need consciousness turns into abundance consciousness, you live permanently in a state of love and effortlessly give love to others regardless of whether or not you have a love partner.”

“Don’t waste your time waiting for someone to provide that ‘happiness’ that you already have within you.”

“You’ll cling less to secure situations because you feel secure enough in yourself. Letting go of your need consciousness is only scary as long as you’re still thinking about it.”

 

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. […]

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

–  Khalil Gibran

 

“In the spiritual relationship, the love is no longer suffocated by fear and the need for safety, so it just keeps growing and flowering. It becomes increasingly effortless to give unconditional love, and you quite naturally receive more love in return (because you are enough in yourself). Giving love should never be any trying to earn or expect back. A relationship is two independent and complete human beings in one single experience of love. As opposed to the merging of two fearful half people in one vicious cycle of yearning and misery for security and approval (often occurring in a traditional love relationship).” Converting a traditional relationship to a spiritual relationship is mainly communication and taking responsibility of your feelings and emotions.

Drop relationship thinking. Which is more important? The secure idea that you stay together forever (and a strong chance that in reality this won’t happen) or the insecure idea that you can leave each other anytime (and a stronger chance that neither of you will feel any need to do this).”

“Your love for each other entails that you can also push each other’s deepest buttons of painful, fearful and dependent feelings. As soon as you stop blaming your partner for those feelings, and learn to feel and embrace them with non-judgmental awareness, your sense of self esteem and autonomy gets stronger. When fear of losing your partner is no longer your main motivation, greater clarity arises naturally about whether you want to stay together or not. Therefore time apart can be good. Everything changes, including relationships. Suffering arises when you resist this.  Stop amputating (or dissociating) yourself and manipulating (or merging) your partner in the attempt to repair that ‘secure’ self. Start living, start loving, discover the inner security that you already had within you and from which you’ve always run away in fear until now. Embrace that fear, because it’s the door to your natural state of being.”

Sex becomes the security ritual over time in traditional relationships. Its main aim is to provide security and keep the fear of rejection covered up. Sexuality is very closely connected with your deepest feelings of vulnerability, fear and dependency and in a traditional relationship, these must be covered. Too much security is an obstruction to love. As emotional independence increases, they feel more love, and hence the joyful desire to indulge one another. Because the partners are independent people, and are therefore not using each other to fill the gap of their own feelings of incompleteness, the sex stays just as fresh and adventurous as it was when the relationship began. Sex within a spiritual relationship will reflect the nature of that relationship. Open, free, independent and loving, and in harmony with the nature of both partners.”

*There’s this whole bit on Tantric sex.. Read and do your research. A simple paragraph could not do it justice.

“The danger of love addiction is falling in love again with another rejecting and unattainable partner. Extremely common, the dissociated partner needs sex in order to have deeper feelings. The merged partner needs deep feelings in order to have sex. Each time you cling to a situation or a person that fills you with happiness, becoming attached to the self-esteem that this gives you, your perfect nature is being blindly confused for an illusion of neediness and dependency. Each time you make that mistake, it’s immediately brought to your attention, it evokes fear. Fear of losing that person or situation, fear of rejection and self-rejection. It’s an infallible system. All suffering arises from ignorance and the denial of this perfect state. There is exuberant joy in everything. Compliments, reproaches, approval, rejection, success or failure, pleasure and pain. It’s reality that causes our problems and misery. This makes us resist it and engage in even more thinking in order to find a way out of that misery. The counterproductive paradox. The more you try to lose this mode of thinking, the more you’ll continue to think.  The discomfort and self-rejection turn out in reality to be the gateway to our perfect nature, a method of pursuing and discovering it. Our deepest longing for a perfect love relationship, for ‘the one’ who totally loves us and accepts us as we are and will never leave us, turns out to be a projection of what in reality we already are!”

“No one can ever give you what you are already.”

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

do you do the shit you do for you?

*An easy guide to understanding how you are changing yourself for the wrong reasons. 

This is part three.

THE EGO CONSTRUCTION

As we continue to search for love and approval from others, we change ourselves. We reconstruct a self image in an attempt to obtain the love we long for and to inevitably become “better and happier people”. These methods are called dissociation and merging. 

Dissociation (or detachment) is the act of removing certain attributes of oneself for love and approval.

Merging is the process of developing certain qualities and values for love and approval.

“Dissociation is indeed seen more often in men in not doing. Merging is seen more in women in doing. The mistake in trying to eliminate negative patterns like arrogance, jealousy, dependence and addiction is that we’re not seeing that the negative pattern is actually a blocked or distorted version of a positive natural quality. In general, when someone’s behaviour annoys you, it’s either because you’re unconsciously the same yourself (merging) or because you very consciously don’t want to be like that (dissociation). For example, seeing someone dominant and infuriating posing as superior would be the very qualities a ‘nice guy’ would be suppressing his entire life. Our outlook on others is largely based on a projection of our own emotions. You dislike someone because she displays annoying qualities that you also have yourself without knowing it (merging) or that you absolutely don’t want to have (anymore) yourself (dissociation).”

“Your partner eventually becomes the main supplier of love and approval and hence the most important part of our self image. Something that could’ve helped us become free of that self image, in fact reinforces it.  We’re always busy with striving for happiness and avoiding misery, never really 100 percent satisfied. The way we constantly try to cover the illusion of our own imperfection with other people’s love and approval is a vicious merry-go-round into which you’re always putting new energy and which never stops. Change is inevitable. By fighting against this, we maintain and perpetuate these patterns in new forms.”

We become a victim of our own mind. Instead of understanding our perfeck nature and good intentions, we are constantly fighting with our minds, trying our best to be better and do better so we can receive better in return. You’re fine just the way you are. You’re fucking great actually. In fact, what kind of person would you want to be with if you had to change all these things about yourself? Not a good one. Change is inevitable, but that shit happens naturally.

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

You are not your thoughts

*Have you ever thought about randomly punching someone in the face, screaming bloody murder in the middle of a bus or pushing someone off a subway platform? Yeah, well, these intrusive thoughts go hand in hand with the involuntary negative thinking you may incessantly do anyways.

I woke up to another insightful conversation with the room mates.. and lately, I find myself coming to these realizations when I’m alone… Much like a negative thought can randomly come to mind, insightful ones can as well.

After reading more about mindfulness, meditation and the method of non-judgemental awareness, I’ve come to realize that most of the thoughts that come to mind happen without you at all. It’s involuntary, non-consensual.. thought rape. Essentially, a mindfuck. Most of the things that pop into your mind are unconscious, helpless and a reflection of your past or future.

The moment I was told to sit with myself and pay attention to the next thought that comes to mind, I watched as my mind wandered off to something that had been causing me pain. A person. The trick is not feeding the ego. Do not give in to the trigger. Watch the thought but don’t give in by adding in. Other times, I could be on a subway track… wondering what it would be like to jump (which I obviously wouldn’t do.. even still, I would be imagining myself parkouring myself out of the situation).

It’s exactly in those moments that I separate myself from the unconscious mind. There is no fricken way in hell I would purposely hurt another person (unless it were out of self-defence). This unconscious thought process to inflict pain or suffering on someone else is actually your mind trying to do the best thing, understanding what is socially unacceptable and indefinitely neurotic. It’s the counterproductive paradox and the backwards law, where by, in trying not to do something (often getting angry, sad or mad at oneself) you enable these patterns to happen further, coming into a loop. You are mad. Now you are mad at yourself for being mad and now you’re even madder than you were in the first place. When an intrusive thought comes to mind, like pushing over an elderly, it’s our natural state of goodness that works so hard to make sure we understand right from wrong.

If you continue being hard on yourself for thinking this way, it will be very hard to leave this thought process. “STOP THINKING STOP THINKING”, “OH GOD BUT I CAN’T” “STOP” “I CAN’T, I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON. OH GOD.” It’s an endless cycle. A cycle that can be learned away through non-judgemental awareness.

Separate yourself from the mind. You are not the thoughts. You can reprogram yourself. Just give yourself time and space and the rest will fall in place.

 

you don’t need to improve anything about yourself to be a good and worthwhile human bean

*A guide to understanding that no matter how negatively you think or feel, you are innately a good and worthwhile human bean. 

This is part two.

YOUR PERFECK NATURAL STATE

“Who would you be without the thought that you should impress?” – Bryon Katie

Everybody has a true and perfect natural state. Everything comes from a place of purity and good intent.

  • Attention seeking = Natural creativity and artistry.
  • Addiction = Natural longing for happiness and harmony
  • Helpaholism = Altruism
  • Abrasiveness = Honesty
  • Stubbornness = Integrity
  • Toughness = Strength
  • Arrogance = Intelligence

the circle ya

Arrogance, when no longer rejected but embraced with your non-judgmental awareness (more on this, in another post, later), will gradually blossom as pure intelligence or clarity.

“When you’ve inflicted or evoked pain in others, was it really your intention to hurt that other person? Causing someone pain is out of powerlessness or anger, out of fear or stupidity, out of ignorance or even with good intentions.”

“Someone who is in contact with their natural state (full of their own love and approval), free of (self-)rejection will never feel powerless or a victim of other people’s behaviour.”

It’s our natural inclination to want to expand, to develop towards more knowledge, more insight, more love and more realization. Yet, many people diverge from their spiritual path, and instead strive for more approval, more possessions, more pleasure, more status and growth in any form. 

“You could search the whole world and not find anyone more worthy of your love than yourself.” – Buddha

“When two people fall in love, the impression arises that all your problems have been solved, that all your depressions and negative feelings have suddenly disappeared and that you’re completely free of your negative belief and self-rejection. Which in fact, only temporarily makes you lose your ego construction. These very brief happy in-love moments actually bring us into contact with our natural state, which is pure, clear and full of unconditional love, connectedness and altruism. You begin to connect this connection to your natural state to the person, believing them to be so pure and clear and full of unconditional love, and here lies the source of all misery that at later stages ensues from ‘falling in love’.

You become dependent on this person for triggering your natural state.

Like the beggar that sits on a chest of gold, we live in ignorance of our perfect nature, constantly escaping or covering the frustration that this creates. There is a spiritual path, in which relationships are a way back to our deepest nature. Not acknowledging our perfect state of being causes us to dislike our supposed imperfect nature, or negative belief. This gives rise to attachment of others love and approval, as a means to cover that imperfect nature. The realization of your perfect natural state will result in unconditional and supreme happiness. There is a kind, non-judgmental observer that’s conscious of its own all-encompassing abundant warmth and clarity that needs nothing and gives effortlessly and allows everyone to share its abundance within you. A mind that knows its own perfect nature can never get addicted again. All love relationships are actually a form of addiction to the way your negative belief is covered by your partners love and approval.”

As much as you can think and feel negatively, you are never truly linked to these thoughts or feelings. They may pervade your mind, but your truth is actually of good intent. Understand that you aren’t deliberately a shitty person. You just have thoughts that are shitty in the moment.

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

It’s all just a matter of time.

*A personal excerpt with blits and blops about knowing yourself.

I’ve come to realize that everything I want in life can and will happen in only a matter of time. It really requires patience and understanding to reach certain points in your life. I longed for genuine friends, a better relationship with myself, the empathy and compassion to communicate with others (much like the Dalai Llama) and now, I wish to garner this security within myself, to one day, be involved in a healthy genuine relationship and to be more in tune with my spontaneity, innocence and sense of humour. I want to flourish and glow without trying.. Much like Jessie J does in this video:

 

But through my life experiences and the piles of self-help books (that are digital tbh, because convenience and save the trees, my dude!!!), I’ve learned that you can’t force yourself to do anything. You can’t force the current to run a certain way, you just have to learn to flow with the water. Especially when it comes to your consciousness. So many of us go through some fucked up situations as children. We become programmed to specific thought processes and values, yet as soon as we’ve realized our full independence, it’s up to us to unlearn certain behaviours.. and to understand who we are in ourselves.

The moment I was enlightened and the moment I fully became conscious through meeting myself (and truly seeing myself as an actual person beyond my thoughts and my physicality), my life changed for the better. My mentality changed drastically. As I progress forth in my life, learning everyday to better myself, I understand that the values I hope to learn and act upon like muscle memory will happen eventually.. It’s all just a matter of time. We have the rest of our lives to live, what’s the rush?

the reason why you want love

*An easy guide to understanding why you want love so bad. 

THANK YOU JAN GUERTZ. It wasn’t until I stepped away from someone I was really into that I realized how addicted I was to love, to affection and to relationships. I did my research and found this beautiful book… a book that I wish everybody could read, but you lazy fricks deserve something nice.. so, Merry Christmas. I summarized the whole book and added notes. Enjoy!

This is part one. 

SELF REJECTION

Do you do this?

  • Stop yourself from doing things in fear of rejection?
  • Desperately yearn for a relationship?
  • Constantly distract yourself from feeling pain?
  • Think negatively about yourself and other people?
  • Do you hate being alone?

The main reason why we feel this emptiness and desperation to find someone to be with is our longing for love and approval. For those of you that have tasted the sweetness of security and affection in a relationship, an addiction can arise. An intimidating word, which is simply a reflection of your constant habit to indulge in this activity.. or substance. Addictions, at their core, are mostly an avoidance of emptiness. Most people can’t stand being alone, looking for distractions in their black mirrors (your phone or computer). When it’s only a matter of time before you reflect on yourself and feel pain in trying to decipher your life.

As with most things in life, our behaviour today is determined by our upbringing. As children, we are completely dependent on our mothers. “I can’t live without you”, albeit losing it’s literal sense, is given the same value as we grow older. This dependence forms rejection. We are conditioned to avoid abandonment and in essence, death.

Self-rejection is the misunderstanding that we think we are innately imperfect, worthless or not good enough. It is the core of our (constructed) self-image, the engine that drives our constant need for other people’s love and approval.

There is a common process to suffering.

  • Triggers

A memory of distress and suffering is brought up, based on previous rejection and self-rejection.

  • The ‘I’ Feeling

We merge with the feeling. “I am that feeling”. Instead of “I am feeling these feelings”. Then, in not wanting to feel like that, we participate in the backwards law, the counterproductive paradox or meta rejection.

  • Meta rejection

You’re angry at yourself for being angry. You hate yourself because you reject yourself and you try to detach yourself from this painful feeling.

“It’s like blaming the doctor who’s found out that you have cancer. The person or situation that triggered the painful feeling isn’t the cause of it all. The cause lies in your own fundamental misunderstanding that you’re not as good as you are.” This causes you pain. So, you try your best to cover this up and fuel your self-esteem through other people’s love and approval. That’s why this borrowed self-esteem is very unreliable. It requires constant renewal. Much like the high of buying a new phone, it doesn’t last long.

The Guest House Jalaluddin Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

“The core of the whole problem is precisely the idea that we need to change something about ourselves in order to be good or worth while.”

“Stopping self rejection is not giving up to your feelings of worthlessness or convincing yourself that you’re good by nature. Stopping your self rejection is like removing the dark tinted spectacles and starting to look and recognize who you really are.”

Merging – attaining certain values or beliefs for love and approval.

Dissociating – detaching yourself from certain values or beliefs for love and approval.

“When you grow ignorant of your perfect nature, the unconditional love you already have is seen as conditional and dependent on the loved one to provide. This loved one becomes the cause of your happiness, with whom you become most dependent on for it and therefore the most likely to make you feel deeply rejected. You could learn to stop self rejection because you do it yourself. The opposite of self rejection and aversion is allowing, embracing, integrating. But if you do try to love yourself as a strategy to get rid of unpleasant feelings, then that is a form of detachment and dissociation doomed to create more misery then it eliminates.”

Samsara is mind turned outwardly, lost in it’s projections.

Nirvana is mind turned inwardly, recognizing its nature.

“Isn’t it rather restrictive to always be dependent on other people’s love and approval? To be hurt every time others don’t give us approval? To always depend on other people and circumstances for our happiness and self-esteem? That isn’t how we really are! That’s the result of a series of mistakes which all start with and are nurtured by our fundamental misunderstanding of our perfect nature.”

You are with yourself for the rest of your life. Make this bond a good one. Treat yourself kindly. Look at yourself as an actual person.. because you are your own best friend.

 

*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.

i am living in a constant dreamstate

…because i can’t drink.. because i have the worst of the Asian genes, i guess smoking marijuana will be my thing!!! I will do the drug!

There was about 4 or 5 of us. I was maybe 15 years old. We were huddled around this movie theatre plaza in my hometown when the boys were passing around a poorly rolled joint. They took the first few hits and let me have my round. It had been a while since I first smoked. I got more and more excited to be able to do it again since it became so popular. I could be that cool stoner chick. I was 3 tokes in until I finally felt something.

About an hour later, my dad picked us up. I was tense and rigid at the prospect of him finding out. ‘BE COOL, DON’T SAY ANYTHING’. I’d scream, telepathically, as everybody was hunched together in the back seat.

It wasn’t until I woke up in the morning that I felt it.

I was still high.

The room was dodgy. It felt like I was watching the world through a screen. Everything was so much further from my own eyes. I would look at my hands, waving them and feeling as though something else was doing it.

Over the course of a few weeks (or months), I freaked out. I cried. I had never felt so rejected and discontent. I felt as though my life would never truly be my life so as long as I kept feeling this way.

Before I smoked that night, I had been living with a lower level version of this dream state. I actually got my mom to take me to get contact lenses because I thought it was a problem with my vision.

When I finally got the trial pair in, I had to walk along the streets waiting for my mom. I remember looking at cars zipping past me in the dark, feeling exactly the way I did before I had the contacts in.

I searched every corner of the internet, hoping there was some magic cure. I talked to therapists and psychologists and social workers in hopes of figuring out what was wrong with me (and received nothing but confused expressions and simple to-the-book techniques like eat right and sleep). It wasn’t until I found a name that I was shown a light of hope.

Derealization. Depersonalization.

It feels like the world is vignetted. It feels like theres this blanket screen covering my eyes, obstructing my vision, keeping me away from feeling the vividness of reality. It feels like I’m this RPG character trying to get through life, but the screen is dimmed to the lowest setting. It feels like my limbs aren’t mine.

It’s been years since I figured this out. And to this day, I still have it.

But I only recently remembered that I even have it.

I forgot.

It was the days I learned to laugh again, the days I performed and made jokes, empathized and cried… that I realized how little this mental illness actually effected me.

I used to define myself as incapable of living life. But really, it was merely the thoughts convincing me.

I’m growing older, and I’m realizing that your perspective of reality marks the way you live life. If you see the world as a cynical Sally and everything you ever come across is perceived in a pessimistic way, the magnitude of a bad encounter will set the stage for the rest of your day.. and maybe even your life… where something slightly off would feel as though the world were being shaken.

I decided against that. It’s my life. I’ll live exactly the way I want to. I decided to forget and make do with what I have. If I’m still able to feel and express myself freely, nothing can stop me. So what’s the point in stressing out about it?

I am here. I am present. I am alive. And that’s more than enough for me.

PS. I don’t smoke weed.

nobody’s going to hurt you…

…and if they try, give them hell.

Worst Case Scenario #1:

You are completely ridiculed by every single person in the room. You will continue off a life legacy of pain and embarrassment.

Worst Case Scenario #2:

Someone tries to hurt or touch you.

Worst Case Scenario #3:

You die.

Is there some sort of anatomical benefit to embarrassment? I mean, everything we do in human nature serves a purpose. Like my need to feel accepted, it goes back to the days where societies would kill those that were excluded. ……oh. Well there you go… we inherently want to be accepted. By going against the grain of normality, you stand out.  It seems like that’s not always a good thing. I mean, everybody wants to be the snowflake protagonist… But in actuality, we’re all smarties, m&ms and skittles.. jambled together in a pool. We are all different and equal in every way.

If I continue to live my life in fear of what others feel about me or think about me, I risk missing out on some wild fucking adventures. Every single time I go out, I can’t help but find myself stuck in this loop of wonder. “Will anybody notice me?” “Do I look pretty enough?” “Will I have any fun?” “Do I look stupid?”

Heavens to betsy, girl. I’m a think tank of fuckery, perpetrating negligence by filling my mind with displeasure. It get’s so exhausting, hauling the stress above my head like these little things actually matter. It never gets fun. It’ll never change. I just need to let go and be wild.

As much as I can profess how free I am in spirit, my mind and body continue to feel the weight of the chains where my anxiety heaves and pulls. There’s no way to escape the grasp of it’s hold. I just need to accept the pain for what it is and find my own way to enjoy it. Let it melt and dissolve as I fully come to realize how little it all really matters.

We are nothing and everything all at the same time. If I died today, people would cry but my soul will live on with no recollection of this pain I might feel right now. There is pure bliss behind the struggle. There is a core of actuality, waiting to be explored, waiting to feel acknowledged of it’s truth. Patiently waiting for realization.

Life has no goal. We may label our ambitions as such but what brings it all together is how I feel right now. I am more than who I appear to be. Nobody knows who I am based on the clothes that I’m wearing or the people I hang out with. You can only know when you try. Oh man, oh man. I’m living my best life. I’m enjoying the freedom of peace. I’m just so bored of how stable this life is that I have to make excuses. I’m doing fucking great, man. No need to ask. It seems overwhelming but the truth is that I’m so fucking free.

We are all so fucking abundant.

learning to say no cause I deserve so much mo

(The realization that not every person you encounter will be the love of your life).

(DISCLAIMER: this is my life. The way I choose to overcome my hardships is my own journey, listen and learn. We might be entirely different).

You owe nobody anything. No explanations to be made. No sorries to be had. You were put on this earth to be good to yourself and this life (taken with a grain of salt, I’m not saying be a piece of poo to people).

I grew up conditioned under the belief that every opportunity I came across must be held onto for dear life, like a rare comet to be wished upon. Who can guarantee another one will come? As I grew older and wiser, more and more comets have flashed by, creating disappointment and pure bliss. And, as convinced as I was that they’d eventually stop, they never did.

Obsession is my illness. Overthinking, romanticizing, adoration and replaying conversations turned into my drugs of choice. Everything else became white noise. Nothing else mattered because in those moments, I was high with expectation.

I quickly played up the perfection in every attractive figure that came into my life. These ‘opportunities’ for a better, happier life. These people, whom I thought would become my everything, my cheerleader, my support, my comforter, my saviour, were nothing short of a charade.

I was disappointed with the emptiness they left me with, realizing that I made them up. But I quickly realized my worth.

I am not a hobby. I am not alive for your convenience. I am so much more than the sum of my parts. And there you were, assuming I would get on my knees the moment you called.

With no real emotional connection, pleasure becomes this temporary high. Once you achieve that sexual gratification, it’s just a matter of time before you want it again.

NO MO(re feeling like I need to be in love to be happy) LIST:

  • As an anatomically monogamous and wholly loving individual, short bursts of temporary love is toxic to me.
  • I feel devalued giving myself away with no real payoff. The emptiness always follows.
  • I give myself up in the hopes of getting more.
  • There are so many amazing and attractive “hot singles in your area”.
  • I don’t completely love myself yet, therefore, I am not ready.
  • I want to be secure with no sign of desperation.
  • I want to be in love feeling excited and calm. I want no part in living with constant insecurities.
  • I want the corny shit we’ll eventually say to actually mean something.
  • I want sex to mean something.

And so, I’ll wait.

And I’ll respectfully decline the superficial attention I get and keep my chin up knowing the right people will come across my path eventually. You will not meet the love of your life on the dance floor, that shit happens in movies. And the people who hit you up for their convenience are nothing more than a distraction off your course.

Don’t fucking settle. Don’t settle for the motherfucker that hits you up when they feel like it. Or the motherhecker that leaves you on read and doesn’t seem to really give a frick about how your day went or talk to you about your relationship with your parents or how many siblings you have and looks at you like a piece of low grade meat from Discount Dales. You are more than this and someone will finally recognize it. Be patient.

You don’t need it.

accept the things you can’t control

I’ve spend countless weekends down the walk of bars.. feeling the thick smog of expectations in the air, carrying myself between the people and their motives. It’s all the same. Every time. The constant loop of disappointment. The expectation that “it’ll be different this time”, while finding myself tucked into bed at 4am with nothing else to describe the night besides mediocre.

I picked up another job. I watched as my friends danced and laughed without me while I slummed the aisles and tables of this servant’s playground. When I’m not there, I’m still trapped inside my own mind. Instant entertainment is realistically the burden at my finger tips. Within seconds of scrolling, I’ve been exposed to the 3% of women in the world who just so happen to be models, covering every square inch of social media.

I’ve been conditioned to feel as though, if I don’t experience enough life at my age, I’ll forever be consumed with regret. Surrounding myself with older people that envy my age makes me feel more rushed to live my life. Their fears in aging etch terror into my future being. Hearing their moans of insecurity, their stories and travels.. When will it be my turn? Shouldn’t it be now? What in the goddamn heck am I doing then?

Time is arbitrary. The experiences I see others living through are their own. Do I want to be there truly for myself? Or am I chasing a laugh I can have any other day? The love of my life I know I’ll meet in a matter of time? A friendship I’ll develop eventually? Or an adventure I can recount in another place? The instant gratification I feel in experiencing life is used to distract myself from the void. I never want to be home. Alone time feels like time wasted.

Yet, there is nothing more I want in life than to feel fulfilled in my craft. How do I master such skill without dedicating the hard work first? Alone time is not necessary a bad thing.

And what sets an experience apart from being good? Was it the attention I got, the love I was given or the feelings I felt? Because I can’t control that.

This last month of summer will be pure education, in every form. A simple chapter read will be the bare minimum. I’ve wasted too much of my life worrying about shit… about how I looked, about how others felt, about my future and the ones I loved and want to love. So fuck itching for my next high. Fuck pouring endless internet muck into the spaces of my brain. Fuck trying so damn hard to have a good time.

I will enjoy this.

My youthfulness will never be dictated by the wrinkles on my body. I will experience this life for me. I have nobody to impress and the rest of my life to live because I am more than okay.

I will enjoy right now.