one night stands fuck me up (literally and figuratively)

*This is how I feel about one night stands. You may feel different.. or the same. Either way, who cares.

As I roll over in bed.. disgruntled.. feeling empty, I lose the part of myself that was once very desperate for the sweet relief. The once built up tension, replaced with yearning.. and hollowness. This anger for losing self control. For giving over to pleasure. It was routinely my goal to seek a partner for the night.. to allow someone to enter me as my personal toy. We would use each other.. and play the lover’s game, but only for pretend. Making it simply a tease for the senses. My emotional state, shaken.. by the discontinuation. Longing for this feeling..  of love, approval and acceptance.. to only experiencing the shallowness of it all for a few hours… until it was over. Then, just like that, my use would no longer be needed. My value, paired with the bounty. The prize to be your toy. And now I was out again, another place.. begging the night for more.

I am nothing more to you than just pleasurable relief. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be on to the next one.

I want the conversations, the late night chats, the falling asleep hours into the night, the staring and desire for more. The knowledge of another night.. of continuation. To know that our pleasure is invested into greater insight. Of knowing someones body and having them know mine. The prospect of climax… with someone I actually love.

Sex in love is different.

Now, as I stand, staring into the eyes of another man wanting to fuck me.. after a night filled with free drinks and grabby hands.. I agree to spend the night. We find the nearest bed fit for our needs and all we’re doing is searching for release. There is no talking. No interest. No real need to know one another. There is no caressing, no genuine love.. no trailing of fingers in places that would make us both shiver.. just, mechanical routine. The same thing we’ve always done, just another body. Just another place.

When I look into their eyes, I see lust.. I see attraction.. nothing more. I see someone trying to forget the world in my body. Acting emotionlessly, mindlessly thrusting.

I have never had sex in love.

But I imagine it to be so much better. More connected. More real. Not like the routine of loving myself… with someone else’s body.

I’m certain one day I’ll find out. There is no right or wrong when it comes to one night stands.. I regret none of the experiences that came along with them. But I’m just peachy fine waiting for more.

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