what makes a relationship fucking great and why traditional ones suck
*An easy guide to understanding that traditional relationships are built on a mecca of insecure people using each other to feel nice. Also, how to pursuit an honest relationship.
This is part four.
(LOVE) RELATIONSHIP THINKING
As soon as we enter a relationship with this misunderstanding of our perfect nature, we give up our own responsibility for our happiness. Love relationships are a kind of agreement to maintain this mutual dependency of approval. “Spending time with a significant other is like an addictive drug. Once together, you expose your natural state. Once apart, you’re more sensitive to your inadequacies.” In this phase of the relationship, nothing is as addictive as security. After the honeymoon phase, the rejecting qualities in a partner and the downsides of your partners advantages now become evident.
“Letting go of relationship thinking means you no longer regard having or not having a relationship as a goal in life. But see it as a circumstance which you do or don’t encounter, which you can learn from and enjoy for as long as it lasts.”
“Relationship thinking suggests that ‘a good relationship’ is final and permanent.”
“Nothing is permanent. Thinking that a relationship should be, just makes us cling to it desperately and feel tremendous pain if the relationship consequently goes wrong. If you’re adamant about your relationship providing lifelong security, your love will constantly run into problems. But if you recognize that relationships are temporary and changeable, your love endures. Relationship thinking = hopelessness. If you constantly hold out the promise of eternal happiness with your lover, you will always remain dependent, afraid of rejection, striving for future happiness and meanwhile repeatedly losing yourself, always needy for other people’s love and approval, never in contact with who they really are.”
“If you are in a relationship, you no longer need to worry about how long it will last. You find security in your own deepest nature, and your relationship flourishes or breaks up. Both are expressions of love.”
“Relationship thinking is so widely established because of the need consciousness that we’re basically imperfect, not complete, not good enough (the negative belief). The only way to really get rid of that need consciousness is to realize your perfect nature. Becoming free of relationship thinking occurs naturally when you learn to recognize its symptoms in yourself and to accept them with kind awareness.”
Say your partner wants to travel solo for a year. This instills fear and rejection within you, that they don’t want to be with you in all that time, or that they’ll end up falling for someone else on their travels. “If you really think the other person is responsible for your deep feelings of fear and rejection, then in the long run, there’s nothing you can do except end the relationship. But more love and space is possible when one takes responsibility for themselves and their feelings. If you get really good at this, there will never again be a reason not to love the other person.”
“Monogamy contributes to happiness and less suffering if it’s voluntary and arises out of love and self-esteem, not if its coerced out of fear and dependency.”
“Image yourself, old and single. What feelings arise? Fear of loneliness or death? What will you miss? The togetherness? The love? Good sex? Security? Self-esteem? Happiness? We link all the good things in life to having a love relationship. It’s possible to experience these good things without a love relationship. When need consciousness turns into abundance consciousness, you live permanently in a state of love and effortlessly give love to others regardless of whether or not you have a love partner.”
“Don’t waste your time waiting for someone to provide that ‘happiness’ that you already have within you.”
“You’ll cling less to secure situations because you feel secure enough in yourself. Letting go of your need consciousness is only scary as long as you’re still thinking about it.”
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. […]
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
– Khalil Gibran
“In the spiritual relationship, the love is no longer suffocated by fear and the need for safety, so it just keeps growing and flowering. It becomes increasingly effortless to give unconditional love, and you quite naturally receive more love in return (because you are enough in yourself). Giving love should never be any trying to earn or expect back. A relationship is two independent and complete human beings in one single experience of love. As opposed to the merging of two fearful half people in one vicious cycle of yearning and misery for security and approval (often occurring in a traditional love relationship).” Converting a traditional relationship to a spiritual relationship is mainly communication and taking responsibility of your feelings and emotions.
“Drop relationship thinking. Which is more important? The secure idea that you stay together forever (and a strong chance that in reality this won’t happen) or the insecure idea that you can leave each other anytime (and a stronger chance that neither of you will feel any need to do this).”
“Your love for each other entails that you can also push each other’s deepest buttons of painful, fearful and dependent feelings. As soon as you stop blaming your partner for those feelings, and learn to feel and embrace them with non-judgmental awareness, your sense of self esteem and autonomy gets stronger. When fear of losing your partner is no longer your main motivation, greater clarity arises naturally about whether you want to stay together or not. Therefore time apart can be good. Everything changes, including relationships. Suffering arises when you resist this. Stop amputating (or dissociating) yourself and manipulating (or merging) your partner in the attempt to repair that ‘secure’ self. Start living, start loving, discover the inner security that you already had within you and from which you’ve always run away in fear until now. Embrace that fear, because it’s the door to your natural state of being.”
“Sex becomes the security ritual over time in traditional relationships. Its main aim is to provide security and keep the fear of rejection covered up. Sexuality is very closely connected with your deepest feelings of vulnerability, fear and dependency and in a traditional relationship, these must be covered. Too much security is an obstruction to love. As emotional independence increases, they feel more love, and hence the joyful desire to indulge one another. Because the partners are independent people, and are therefore not using each other to fill the gap of their own feelings of incompleteness, the sex stays just as fresh and adventurous as it was when the relationship began. Sex within a spiritual relationship will reflect the nature of that relationship. Open, free, independent and loving, and in harmony with the nature of both partners.”
*There’s this whole bit on Tantric sex.. Read and do your research. A simple paragraph could not do it justice.
“The danger of love addiction is falling in love again with another rejecting and unattainable partner. Extremely common, the dissociated partner needs sex in order to have deeper feelings. The merged partner needs deep feelings in order to have sex. Each time you cling to a situation or a person that fills you with happiness, becoming attached to the self-esteem that this gives you, your perfect nature is being blindly confused for an illusion of neediness and dependency. Each time you make that mistake, it’s immediately brought to your attention, it evokes fear. Fear of losing that person or situation, fear of rejection and self-rejection. It’s an infallible system. All suffering arises from ignorance and the denial of this perfect state. There is exuberant joy in everything. Compliments, reproaches, approval, rejection, success or failure, pleasure and pain. It’s reality that causes our problems and misery. This makes us resist it and engage in even more thinking in order to find a way out of that misery. The counterproductive paradox. The more you try to lose this mode of thinking, the more you’ll continue to think. The discomfort and self-rejection turn out in reality to be the gateway to our perfect nature, a method of pursuing and discovering it. Our deepest longing for a perfect love relationship, for ‘the one’ who totally loves us and accepts us as we are and will never leave us, turns out to be a projection of what in reality we already are!”
“No one can ever give you what you are already.”
*Based on the works of Jan Geurtz. Everything in quotes is taken directly from the book.