You are not your thoughts
*Have you ever thought about randomly punching someone in the face, screaming bloody murder in the middle of a bus or pushing someone off a subway platform? Yeah, well, these intrusive thoughts go hand in hand with the involuntary negative thinking you may incessantly do anyways.
I woke up to another insightful conversation with the room mates.. and lately, I find myself coming to these realizations when I’m alone… Much like a negative thought can randomly come to mind, insightful ones can as well.
After reading more about mindfulness, meditation and the method of non-judgemental awareness, I’ve come to realize that most of the thoughts that come to mind happen without you at all. It’s involuntary, non-consensual.. thought rape. Essentially, a mindfuck. Most of the things that pop into your mind are unconscious, helpless and a reflection of your past or future.
The moment I was told to sit with myself and pay attention to the next thought that comes to mind, I watched as my mind wandered off to something that had been causing me pain. A person. The trick is not feeding the ego. Do not give in to the trigger. Watch the thought but don’t give in by adding in. Other times, I could be on a subway track… wondering what it would be like to jump (which I obviously wouldn’t do.. even still, I would be imagining myself parkouring myself out of the situation).
It’s exactly in those moments that I separate myself from the unconscious mind. There is no fricken way in hell I would purposely hurt another person (unless it were out of self-defence). This unconscious thought process to inflict pain or suffering on someone else is actually your mind trying to do the best thing, understanding what is socially unacceptable and indefinitely neurotic. It’s the counterproductive paradox and the backwards law, where by, in trying not to do something (often getting angry, sad or mad at oneself) you enable these patterns to happen further, coming into a loop. You are mad. Now you are mad at yourself for being mad and now you’re even madder than you were in the first place. When an intrusive thought comes to mind, like pushing over an elderly, it’s our natural state of goodness that works so hard to make sure we understand right from wrong.
If you continue being hard on yourself for thinking this way, it will be very hard to leave this thought process. “STOP THINKING STOP THINKING”, “OH GOD BUT I CAN’T” “STOP” “I CAN’T, I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON. OH GOD.” It’s an endless cycle. A cycle that can be learned away through non-judgemental awareness.
Separate yourself from the mind. You are not the thoughts. You can reprogram yourself. Just give yourself time and space and the rest will fall in place.